Kauai

Destination weddings are simply the greatest. Mike's brother and his fiancé decided to be married on the beach in Hawaii, so we decided to make a vacation of it. We spent over a week with Mike's family exploring the lovely island of Kauai. And now pictures. Because it helps remind me that just last week I was laying on the beach in the sunshine instead of here in the cold, windy state of Utah.

Being a Disappointment

A few days ago we hit our six month mark of being foster parents. Half a year has been spent sharing our home with three children that sometimes make me crazy. And sometimes make me cry. And sometimes make me smile. And sometimes make me laugh. My gut from the beginning of this placement was that we would have these kids until the fall. I was sure they'd be gone before Thanksgiving. Especially with the news of them being moved. But from day to day, things change, and we came across a huge hold-up in the case, making it look as if they'll be here at least through the new year. So here we sit with a shift of thinking and a few children Christmas lists.

 

But after a solid six months, and quite possibly another six more, I reflect on what has been said, and what has been written and how we feel about where we are.

 

You see, one of the more difficult parts, for me, of being a foster parent is telling people that I am a foster parent. Many people give praise. Many people seem to think that it takes a completely awesome person to be a foster parent. But I've never thought of it that way. To be honest, before we made the decision to become foster parents, I don't know if I'd ever thought about them at all. But now that I am one of them, being thought of as this selfless, amazing person just doesn't seem to fit. I don't feel like that. Because I am not one. How can someone say to your face that they think 'it's just awesome what you are doing', when all you can think about is when it will be over. I'm so uncomfortable with people thinking I'm 'neat' when I feel completely selfish and naïve.

 

I've never really hidden my feelings on this situation. Obviously. Friends and family always ask how things are going, and I never sugarcoat it. They hear the good and the bad. {Yes, there is good...and if I'd write more often, you'd probably hear more about it.} What I've come to realize is that when you are blatantly honest with people, they begin to see the person you really are. The person you didn't even realize that you were. As I explained, I'm highly uncomfortable being thought of as a saint. Yet, being thought of as a disappointment is a hard pill to swallow.

 

When we announced to close friends and family that we were taking the leap into foster care, they were all quite supportive and seemed to think that we would make great foster parents and that any child that came into our home would be 'lucky'. While I am so grateful for their support, I am so disappointed that I've disappointed them.

 

Our thoughts on parenthood in general have changed. We've really put our future family on hold. Do we have a timeline? No. But this is the part that is most disappointing. I've always wanted to be mom. And Mike, a dad. And we've talked, and dreamed and planned our lives around it. And now, we just really don't want to. Truly the only thing in my life that keeps my hope alive is how much in love I am with my five month old niece. That sweet babe makes me want to be pregnant nine months ago! But then....reality...and my face turns all sour and it makes me want to pop 10 birth control pills.

 

I know we've disappointed people with our current thoughts on parenthood. But truly, I think we've disappointed ourselves the most. Which is the biggest disappointment of all.

Bad Moods and Court Dates

I wish I could explain away my bad moods. Some reason for being so internally frustrated all the time. All she is doing is watching 'Frozen' while I sit here wasting time on the Internet when I should be planning my lesson for Sunday (which ironically enough is on how to develop Christlike love...).

No reason for me to be in a bad mood based on the context. Yet, I have a constant feeling of irritation. Yes, we know that I have no attachment to these kids, which explains my lack of love for them. But I can't justify my frustration. They want a snack, I'm bugged. I have to sign something for school, I'm bugged. They wake up in the morning, I'm bugged.

Obviously, I'm the worst foster parent. Ever. And immature.

The dumbest part about it is when I can actually get out of myself and enjoy them, we really do have a good time. But it is such a struggle to do that. Everyone that meets them, loves them. I have a sister that tells me all the time that she wants all three of them. I wish I did. I wish it had been different. I just can't force it. I need therapy.

We had court yesterday. The kids were required to be there, which means I also attended. Long story (that I'm not really allowed to talk about) short, the caseworker will begin looking for another home for the children. (This makes it sound like we sent the kids away, which is so not the case. I may not be attached but I would never kick out kids.) Which is what we were assuming would happen. We go on vacation in November, and they are trying to have the kids moved before then to avoid multiple disruptions. I doubt that is realistic, but it absolutely could happen. Weird.

So now we wait. We try to enjoy what time we have left. If we can teach ourselves how to enjoy them. All while secretly gathering their things together in one place so that we don't forget to pack it all up. I say secretly because the kids aren't aware of the details. They don't know that in a short month they could be gone. Foster care really is heartbreaking. (Coming from someone that sometimes wonders if she has a heart.)

A Birthday

We celebrated 29 years of life for Mike this month. And isn't it weird to be the age that no one ever wants to age from? We dropped the kids off a day early for visitation which meant we actually got to do something. And all he wanted was dinner and a movie. Of course, getting old and all, I'm not quite sure what else to do on a birthday. And its true, I'm seeing more gray hair than ever before and I've got this new wrinkle under my eye that needs some wrinkle cream stat. I digress....Dear Michael, I love you so. A happy happy birthday to you five days ago. Last year of your twenties so lets travel lots, yeah?

Something Happened Today.

I got a phone call from the caseworker that put all things into perspective. Obviously, without divulging any facts of the case, these kids may be leaving a heck of a lot sooner than was expected. And it kind of made me sad.

Believe me, I was just as shocked as you.

But first let me put my feelings into words. It comes as no surprise to anyone familiar with this blog that I wouldn't mind these kids leaving. My first sadness is for the kids. I am sad that they may just be shipped off somewhere else. That they may be doing this all over again. That it may just be another foster home to add to the list. Because they don't deserve this. No child deserves this kind of crap.

And I'm sad that they have a sucky family.

My third sadness is for myself. I went from being busy with work, to being really busy with work and kids, to being busy with kids. And now it seems I'm headed for nothingness. Which is awkward, and lazy, and wasteful. And I'm not quite sure how I'm going to handle going from wanting to rip my hair out from all the noise, to wanting to rip my hair out from all the quiet.

Another sadness is that I feel like I've put in so much effort in teaching values and morals and goals, just to see it might go to waste. Save for college, save for college! What if wherever they go next, their new role model doesn't much care about saving for college? Or doing homework. Or being home on time. Or washing your hands. I feel like I need to be in on the interview process or something.

Simply put, I didn't realize until today that I generally care for the welfare of these children. Yes, I may not feel like I can make them a part of my family permanently, but I've got my fingers crossed for their future. They are good kids. And they really can do great things, I'm sure of it. I just pray that they can find the support that they need to succeed.

Finale

After turning in my notice 10 weeks ago, I walked out of the office for the last time. And I was sad. I've never been one for work. You can see past posts here and here and here about how I really feel about a career life. But as I walked out of the best job that I have ever had, I wondered to myself, is this really what I wanted?

I quit my job to be a stay-at-home foster mom. Well if you've been keep up on your reading, then you'll know that this foster mom thing isn't necessarily a dream come true. So quitting my nearly perfect job to become full time at a not so perfect job is, well, much less than perfect. But I didn't really have a choice when working full time just wasn't working for me. (Props to all you moms who work at all, I have no idea how you do it and still take care of a home and kids.)

But I can't help feeling the pressure suddenly lifted. I've been spending so much of my home time working that when I'm at home and not working, I feel guilty. The curse of working from home. But it's impossible to be a full time employee when you can't really go into the office because you have three kids in school (one of which is in half-day Kindergarten) and simply, when your heart just isn't into it.

My biggest fear is what is it that my heart is into these days? Besides my super hot husband of course. I don't want to be at work, yet I seem to not want to be a mother. So I'm not quite sure where my heart is. Or my head for that matter. By the way, it's super fun to be 28 years old and still have no clue what you are doing with your life. *sarcasm*

Unattached

Nine months ago I was sitting in the required training classes to become a licensed foster parent. I specifically remember sitting in the class on attachment. Our instructor spoke about how so many foster parents are afraid to become attached, because they know that one day, their foster children may leave them. In turn, leaving them with a broken heart. But we were reminded, once again, that opening ourselves up to these children will be what is best for them. If you become attached to your foster kids, you will be able to provide a love for them that is necessary for proper development. Attach, attach, attach! is what she was saying.

And I remember sitting there thinking to myself, of course I will become attached! It would be nearly impossible for me to not be able to become attached! I love children! And the thoughts went on and on. And yes, I really truly did believe every single one of them.

Well, it didn't happen.

And these kids! Oh these kids. They can be particularly adorable and entertaining. And truly, for being in the foster care system, they do extremely well. They misbehave as most kids do, but not at the level which many foster children do.

There is a cluster page on Facebook that I am a part of that is for local foster families. And I have seen countless posts about how much love they have for their foster kids. Like when they do overnights with biological parents how sad they are and how much they miss their foster child! Or how their foster child is going to be reunified with their biological family and how they are heart broken. And I don't discount any of their emotions. But I just don't have those feelings. Like this weekend when the weekend visitation that the kids normally have with relatives was canceled. That's when I wanted to cry.

My mom says to me all the time, don't you think the kids can sense that your not attached to them?

I hope not. I really hope not. And Mike and I really do try to hide that fact.

But what I learned is that attachment cannot be forced. Just because I have a love for children in general, does not mean that every child that comes into my home will be the recipient of that love. And it makes me sound awful and cold-hearted, but love cannot be forced. I tried. I really did. But I am just not attached to these kids.

And one day, if parental rights were ever terminated and these children were placed for adoption, I would not be able to adopt them. That alone is heart-breaking. But I don't think it would be hard at all to find a family that would be better suited for them. Because they really are good kids.

I have never, in all my foster care blog reading, come across posts quite like mine. Most foster parents love foster care and would go to the ends of the earth for their foster children. But I can't lie. And I promised I would share my experience. And not all days are bad. But most days I go to bed exhausted with tears in my eyes asking myself what in the world I was thinking.

Youth

My 28th birthday was celebrated a few weeks ago. And there were no candles on my cake. Which, I declare, is the first time I can remember not blowing out candles and not making a wish that doesn't come true. I guess I've reached the age of maturity. But what I find most interesting is that I really didn't have the desire. Blowing out candles is one of my favorite birthday traditions. But it seems to me that my youthfulness went, along with my 27th year. Sometimes the child inside will come out, but it's rare, and it seems that it takes a lot more effort to sustain her. 

I do wonder if my youthful self went when the children came. Did they steal my her? Is it because there is so much child running around this house that my youthful self went into hiding? Maybe she is gone for good. I don't really like myself as a parent. Did I ever tell you that? I am not the person that I thought I would be. You never really know until you try. And I tried. And I continue to try. You know how *they* say that by the time you become empty nested you kind of have to learn how to just be a couple again? Because you have kids for so long, that you kind of forget how to be yourself? I hate that. I don't want to lose myself. That girl that I was before the children came, I kind of liked her. She was a whole heck of a lot less stressed. And a whole lot more easy going. 

I've talked before about the weekend visitations that our foster kids get with their relatives. So for four days of the week, I am a mom, and the other three days of the week I'm me. I'm beyond grateful for the break, but maybe perhaps my mind is confused. Who am I? Am I a mom? Sometimes. I've noticed that this schedule can also create confusion with the children. How we behave and act at my house is completely different than how they are allowed to behave when staying with relatives. So every couple of days, these three children are also forced to change behaviors. 

I think what frightens me most is that the only reason I feel like I am able to handle the four days with the kids is because I've had three days without them. Which is a luxury. As I've said before, most foster situations are not like ours. Not mentioning when you have your own, it's a forever gig.  

I just thought it would get easier. And it's not. Praise the heavens above that summer break is over in a week. 

Biological Folk

Here's the thing about biological parents.

In the beginning, when we originally decided to become foster parents, I thought I had my mind made up about them. You know, the whole, you should never have become a parent because you suck at it and got your children taken away attitude.

Then I went through the training classes, and our fantastic instructor was able to alter my thoughts and prejudgments. Biological parents are simply people who have made some mistakes, and its partially our duty as foster parents to help them fix those mistakes so that they can get their children back.

Okay, so now I'm a foster parent. Which means I now have the knowledge that I need to make my own decision regarding biological parents (or at least the ones I currently deal with). So what do I think? Well, they kinda suck. Which is sad and terrifying because their children think the world of them (well mostly, the older children seem to have a quite a few biases against one of the parents). One of the parents had reached out saying they wanted to have a visitation. This parent has yet to have had one in the two months that the children have been in foster care. All this parent needed to do was to call and confirm with the caseworker. That's it. And this parent didn't. So now after telling them all week they have a visitation today, I now get to tell them that they don't. Because apparently making a simple phone call was too much for the children that you gave life. Biological parent, you were the one that reached out. Perhaps you should keep your promises and maybe your older children wouldn't hate you (the word isn't mine, the kids were the ones that said it). The other biological parent used to have visits and currently does not. And I may be evil for saying it, but I'm glad. It's so hard to watch the kids go to these visits where they are showered with toys, and treats, and the near worship that goes on when you know what a loser their parent is. As much as I want the kids to be with their parents and families, it is so disappointing to know that they may turn out to be just like them.

Yes, my influence of a few months may do some good, but if foster care has taught me anything, the number one thing I have learned is that you can't undo years of bad habits. In the end, these kids don't want to be here, and their old ways are how they can hold onto their family and their home.

So kids.

Here's the thing. They can be pretty annoying. It's hard to remember that they are not, nor should they be, on the same maturity level as you. And why do they ask so many questions? Especially during movies. They have to know what is going to happen before it happens. What happened to the element of surprise? My 5 year old today asked me probably 3,000 times what we were having for dinner. Hamburgers. We are barbecuing hamburgers. Over and over again. She saw me prepare the meat. She was with me when I purchased the buns. And about 10 minutes before dinner she asks if we are having hot dogs. So I replied "Yes", because why not? I tell her a million times that we are having hamburgers, which apparently I couldn't convince her of, but I tell her one time that we are having hot dogs and she runs around the house telling her brothers that we are having hot dogs. Which thoroughly confused them because they had previously inquired about dinner and they knew that we were having hamburgers. So that's how dinner went.

The kids are already begging to go back to their relatives for visitation for the weekend. We really are only allowed one night visitations, but last weekend, we were able to get two, which is confusing to kids because now they expect to spend every Friday thru Sunday with their extended family. The caseworker approved a two night visitation for this weekend also, which is awesome for us, however, there is always the fear of the relatives suddenly having plans that don't include my three kids. Which would just simply devastate all of us.

And the boys are folding origami together right now and not fighting. So this is a miracle. 

And this is the voice of a foster mom on a Wednesday night, who has thoughts, but has a hard time compiling them.