Today We Sent An Email.

The email that I thought I would never send. The email that makes me like a failure.
The email that also makes me happier than I've felt in a long time.
The email that says they have until March 7th to move the children.

Here's the thing. It's not just about us.
I could go on and on about how this match of us and the kids is just not working,
and how I'm exhausted being a mother of three kids that aren't mine,
or I could reference you back to all the blog posts from May 2014 until now.

But the kids. Oh the kids. They are starting to lose it.
The meltdowns have increased.
The tears wept seem to be soaking t-shirts and pillows all over the house.
My 11 year old tells me he just wants to be with family.
And I hugged him. And guys, he hugged me back.
Laid his head on my shoulder and hugged me back.
I know, buddy, but you just can't be with family right now. It was heartbreaking.

We have another court date in just over a week,
where the caseworker is supposed to show up with a plan.
A laid out plan, a timeline if you will,
for the kids to be placed in a permanent home.
But we all know, she's not going to have a plan.
So for the sake of the children, and our own sanity,
Mike and I will be forcing her into a plan. Which must be executed by March 7th.

Our hope is that she will jump into action and get these kids a home so that they won't have to be moved multiple times.
It is not our intention to have the kids move from foster home to foster home.
According to the information provided to Mike and I,
which may or may not be accurate,
she has several families that seem to want the children and it's just a matter of presenting them to committee so that a family can be chosen.
Then a few visits later, the kids should be making a permanent move.
We hope that we've lit a fire under them.
Because these kids need to be where they are going to be forever, as soon as possible.
They can't handle the uncertainty much longer.

I've been told several times that their behavior is "normal".
The meltdowns are all in reference to the fear that the children have about their future mixed with the anxiety of their past.
I understand that. I took classes on that.
What I want to know is why they aren't doing anything about it.
Just because it's normal behavior, does not mean that we should continue to let the children suffer. Let's fix it.
The caseworker may not be here each and every day to see the trauma that the kids are going through, but I am.
I get to hear that they hate being here.
I get to hear that they just want to be with mom and dad.
I get to deal with the fighting, and the screaming, and the crying.
So I guess it's only natural for me to want to force the caseworkers hand all in an effort to get her to see the enormity of the situation.

Ice Fishing

Of all the fishing trips we take, whether high up in the beautiful Utah mountains, or at the local fishing pond, we never catch a fish.
I think it's the curse of us all going fishing together, us and Mike's family.
But it won't stop us from going.

This time was particularly awesome because it was my first time ice fishing.
Which is truly, much better than regular fishing, assuming fantastic weather, in which we had.

And now pictures. Of people. Not fish. Because remember, we don't catch fish.

Bail

The family that was planning on adopting the kids has decided to bail. Luckily, the kids didn't know that, so there won't be much heartache on their end.

I'm pretty freaking mad though.

Them leaving in January is now not even a possibility. And at this point, I don't even know when to predict that they will go. Which makes no difference because I would be wrong anyway.

Ughhhhh. I'm mad.

Barbie Cars and Early Bed Times

I hate that this has turned into a foster care blog. I love all of you that come and read my pathetic tales of fostering, but this blog, which has been going since 2007, was obviously not intended for just foster care stories. I guess it was intended to be about me. And my life. Which is narcissistic to the extreme. But more for my family to keep up with my happenings and more for me to keep track of my happenings. Posterity and all that. If we get to that point, anyway.

Today was hard. We didn't get visitation this weekend. Not that we tried to. The kids relatives are really just not good people and we figure the kids are better off not seeing them all the time. And it really is about the kids, even if I love my weekends without them. Things really did start off fine, but the amount of whining and complaining and crying in this day just kind of rubbed me the wrong way, and apparently by Saturday night, I lack in sympathy. And patience. So my five year old got to go to bed an hour early. And got a Barbie car taken away. It's just how it goes.

There is a cluster Facebook page that I am a member of for the foster families in my area. For months it seemed like people would post these stories and moments that made me wonder what I was doing wrong. All this love seemed to be flowing between foster parents and their foster children and I'm over here just counting to ten all day long. But finally, some justification came my way when for the past few weeks, story after story of frustration and lack of attachment posted on the cluster page. I'm sure the chaos that the holidays can cause in foster children played a huge part in the things that people were posting. But it was such a breath of fresh air. I have such a hard time reading about foster care success stories. Because my first one, not a success. These kids just aren't mine. And it's like the universe reminds me that every single day. They belong to another family. And I'm sure that the family that adopts them will love them to pieces. And I'm glad. Because they totally deserve it. And oh how I wish things would have been different. I wish that I was adopting my first placement. How sad to take in kids and then send them away. But it's just how it is. And that must be how God intended it. Because I gave this my all. And it didn't work out.

Team meeting on Monday. If the caseworker did her job (hah), then we should be finding out the details of the move.