Mostly I Feel Like People Don't Understand Me

But mostly it is because I act a lot different on the outside than how I actually feel on the inside. I feel like Mike gets me. And when I say "gets me", I mostly think that he gets me but he doesn't actually understand why I do the things that I do. But mostly I don't expect anything different. He is a man, after all. And I am a woman, after all.

And I have a lot of people in my life that mostly get me. And I love them for trying so hard.

But mostly it's this world. We live in this world of expectations. We live in this world of censorship. We live in this world of political correctness.

And mostly, I just like to keep the peace. I hate offending people. Mostly to the point of censoring myself. Mostly to the point of keeping up appearances. Mostly, just so I don't disappoint the people around me.

And these days, I'm feeling more lost than ever. And mostly, I wish that people would drop the expectations. Because at this point, I'm just winging it.

Youth

My 28th birthday was celebrated a few weeks ago. And there were no candles on my cake. Which, I declare, is the first time I can remember not blowing out candles and not making a wish that doesn't come true. I guess I've reached the age of maturity. But what I find most interesting is that I really didn't have the desire. Blowing out candles is one of my favorite birthday traditions. But it seems to me that my youthfulness went, along with my 27th year. Sometimes the child inside will come out, but it's rare, and it seems that it takes a lot more effort to sustain her. 

I do wonder if my youthful self went when the children came. Did they steal my her? Is it because there is so much child running around this house that my youthful self went into hiding? Maybe she is gone for good. I don't really like myself as a parent. Did I ever tell you that? I am not the person that I thought I would be. You never really know until you try. And I tried. And I continue to try. You know how *they* say that by the time you become empty nested you kind of have to learn how to just be a couple again? Because you have kids for so long, that you kind of forget how to be yourself? I hate that. I don't want to lose myself. That girl that I was before the children came, I kind of liked her. She was a whole heck of a lot less stressed. And a whole lot more easy going. 

I've talked before about the weekend visitations that our foster kids get with their relatives. So for four days of the week, I am a mom, and the other three days of the week I'm me. I'm beyond grateful for the break, but maybe perhaps my mind is confused. Who am I? Am I a mom? Sometimes. I've noticed that this schedule can also create confusion with the children. How we behave and act at my house is completely different than how they are allowed to behave when staying with relatives. So every couple of days, these three children are also forced to change behaviors. 

I think what frightens me most is that the only reason I feel like I am able to handle the four days with the kids is because I've had three days without them. Which is a luxury. As I've said before, most foster situations are not like ours. Not mentioning when you have your own, it's a forever gig.  

I just thought it would get easier. And it's not. Praise the heavens above that summer break is over in a week. 

If You Really Knew Me: {3rd Edition}

Unless I'm married to you, or related to you, I'll probably withdraw if you try to get to close to me. {All of my friends are nodding right now....}

 

The only good thing about winter is that gloves are more socially acceptable which keeps me from having to touch germy door handles.

 

If I could do it all over again, I'd come back as a non-eating disorder ballerina.

 

I'm a secret keeper. There isn't a person in the world that knows everything about me.

 

I don't really care about offending people.

 

I'm what I call an over-sharer. If you can get me talking, you'll find out way more about me than I ever wanted you to and than you ever cared to know.

 

I'm pretty much a walking contradiction. {See paragraphs 4 and 6}

 

I don't wear 80 percent of the clothes hanging in my overcrowded closet. Of the 20 percent that I do wear, most are gray.

 

I'm a classical {in terms of classification} music junkie. All hail the Baroque period.

 

I enjoy doing math in my head.
 

 

If You Really Knew Me: {2nd Edition}

You would know that I am anti-feminist.

You would know that I am a pretty good shot. {Or at least I used to be...it's been a while}

You would know that I have to have a blanket over my ear to fall asleep.

You would know that it annoys me when people try to sympathize with me. I would so much rather someone say, "you know, that really does suck" than "oh, i'm so sorry, things will work out".

You would know that bathroom rugs gross me out.

You would know that I am an expert sudoku player.

You would know that I love being called by my nickname, Abs. However, my Mom calls me Abby Dabby Doo, and my Grandma calls me Abby Baby, both of which I also love.

You would know that I have three {three!} job interviews this week. Here's to hoping.

Happy Labor Day!

If You Really Knew Me: {1st Edition}

You would know that I love to read. But I don't get to do it very often. Not too mention it usually puts me to sleep.

You would know that Diet Coke is a daily ritual for me. And you would know that I am ashamed of it.

You would know that my sole purpose of exercise is so that I can eat good food. Yes, the sole purpose.

You would know that I have an obsession with sweats. I can rarely make it the entire day in real clothes.

You would know that I was overweight in my early teenage years. It was an extremely difficult on me. My friends became insulting and rude and the summer before high school I lost all but one of my friends. Starting high school with no friends sucked.

You would know that I shy away from social situations. You would know that I never go to "girls night" and that if I am around friends, I prefer it to be just the two of us. I have not always been this way. But girls are too dramatic and it stresses me out.

You would know that I love to sing.

You would know that I would rather hang out with Mike than anyone in the world. Every.single.time.