Biological Folk

Here's the thing about biological parents.

In the beginning, when we originally decided to become foster parents, I thought I had my mind made up about them. You know, the whole, you should never have become a parent because you suck at it and got your children taken away attitude.

Then I went through the training classes, and our fantastic instructor was able to alter my thoughts and prejudgments. Biological parents are simply people who have made some mistakes, and its partially our duty as foster parents to help them fix those mistakes so that they can get their children back.

Okay, so now I'm a foster parent. Which means I now have the knowledge that I need to make my own decision regarding biological parents (or at least the ones I currently deal with). So what do I think? Well, they kinda suck. Which is sad and terrifying because their children think the world of them (well mostly, the older children seem to have a quite a few biases against one of the parents). One of the parents had reached out saying they wanted to have a visitation. This parent has yet to have had one in the two months that the children have been in foster care. All this parent needed to do was to call and confirm with the caseworker. That's it. And this parent didn't. So now after telling them all week they have a visitation today, I now get to tell them that they don't. Because apparently making a simple phone call was too much for the children that you gave life. Biological parent, you were the one that reached out. Perhaps you should keep your promises and maybe your older children wouldn't hate you (the word isn't mine, the kids were the ones that said it). The other biological parent used to have visits and currently does not. And I may be evil for saying it, but I'm glad. It's so hard to watch the kids go to these visits where they are showered with toys, and treats, and the near worship that goes on when you know what a loser their parent is. As much as I want the kids to be with their parents and families, it is so disappointing to know that they may turn out to be just like them.

Yes, my influence of a few months may do some good, but if foster care has taught me anything, the number one thing I have learned is that you can't undo years of bad habits. In the end, these kids don't want to be here, and their old ways are how they can hold onto their family and their home.

So kids.

Here's the thing. They can be pretty annoying. It's hard to remember that they are not, nor should they be, on the same maturity level as you. And why do they ask so many questions? Especially during movies. They have to know what is going to happen before it happens. What happened to the element of surprise? My 5 year old today asked me probably 3,000 times what we were having for dinner. Hamburgers. We are barbecuing hamburgers. Over and over again. She saw me prepare the meat. She was with me when I purchased the buns. And about 10 minutes before dinner she asks if we are having hot dogs. So I replied "Yes", because why not? I tell her a million times that we are having hamburgers, which apparently I couldn't convince her of, but I tell her one time that we are having hot dogs and she runs around the house telling her brothers that we are having hot dogs. Which thoroughly confused them because they had previously inquired about dinner and they knew that we were having hamburgers. So that's how dinner went.

The kids are already begging to go back to their relatives for visitation for the weekend. We really are only allowed one night visitations, but last weekend, we were able to get two, which is confusing to kids because now they expect to spend every Friday thru Sunday with their extended family. The caseworker approved a two night visitation for this weekend also, which is awesome for us, however, there is always the fear of the relatives suddenly having plans that don't include my three kids. Which would just simply devastate all of us.

And the boys are folding origami together right now and not fighting. So this is a miracle. 

And this is the voice of a foster mom on a Wednesday night, who has thoughts, but has a hard time compiling them. 

Visitations

Most of the time, I am thinking to myself what in the heck was I thinking? It's hard. Very hard. My 10 and 9 year old boys make me want to walk out on the entire experience. When they aren't fighting with each other, they are pushing Mike and I to our very limits. The 5 year old is great when she's alone, but when her brothers get home from school she suddenly takes on their personalities and I sometimes feel like I'm in a constant war between the hours of 3:25pm and 9:00pm. 

My saving grace?

Weekend visitations. 

We are lucky enough to have the kids do overnights with their extended family on the weekends. And this weekend they got Friday and Saturday night! Nearly three full days of being on our own agenda. I know that many foster families don't get the opportunity to have overnight visitation as much as we do, and I definitely know that the Lord was looking out for me on this one, because he knew that to keep a small portion of my sanity, I would need those weekend visitations. (The behaviors when they return from visitations is a different story for a different day.)

This weekend we fished, we shopped, we attended the temple, we ate all you can eat pizza, we watched Gravity, we went to church and we spent time with family. Hopefully regenerating us for another week. 

Becoming First Time Foster Parents

On Thursday, April 24, I woke up with a feeling we'd get a phone call. I think when you are waiting to become a foster parent, everyday you think you will get a phone call, but I really did think that we would. My mom says I must be in tune, because that afternoon, we got a phone call to do respite care for the weekend. Respite care is basically overnight babysitting for another foster family. We were expecting a 6, 5 and 3 year old to come and stay with us from Friday to Sunday while the foster parents went out of town. My heart pounded. I decided to take the next day off. We were definitely not prepared to bring three kids into our home, even if it was only for the weekend.

I woke up early Friday so I could get everything done and be ready to receive the kids around 2:00 that afternoon. Around 9 AM that morning, Mike called me from work.

"You'll never guess who just called me", he said.

And that was the moment my life changed forever. On the day that we were supposed to be receiving three children just for a few days, we got a phone call for our first placement. Three children. They said that if we chose to accept the placement we would be receiving them that very afternoon, and they would take care of finding someone else to do the respite care for the other foster family. Shock wouldn't even begin to describe how I felt. How is it possible that in less than 24 hours, all that had happened? Mike told me about the kids and we discussed how we felt. I began what later became almost an entire week of tears. We decided that we would take the kids. Mike made the necessary phone calls and I immediately fell to my knees in tears. How was I going to actually take care of three kids? Was I really ready for my life to change? I prayed and prayed for strength and then, of course, I called my mother. Because who else knows better than my mother? She listened to me cry. Offered her advice and assistance. And she immediately became a huge source of knowledge that I never knew I needed. She sympathized, but also questioned my emotions. "Abby, you've had 6 months to prepare for this, why are you so upset?" And what I realized was I was never ready. Nothing can ever prepare you to be a foster parent. Nothing can prepare you for the immediate 180 degree shift in your life. Nothing can prepare you to take care of children that have experienced such chaos in their life. And I was terrified.

When I got off the phone with my mom, I went into robot mode. The kids that were being place in our home were 10, 9 and 5, which is a whole lot different than the 6, 5 and 3 year old that I had originally been preparing for. We were expecting them to come around 4 in the afternoon, so I had plenty of time to get everything in order. Mike came home from work early and we put the final touches on the bedrooms. And around 4 PM, we got a phone call telling us that there had been a change in court that afternoon and now we would not be receiving the children until Monday afternoon. And since they had already made the switch for respite care, we would not be having any kids in our house over the weekend.

Most would be disappointed, but I was so relieved. Most foster parents don't get the opportunity to have the weekend to prepare, whether its mentally or emotionally or physically. I was able to have a few days to spend preparing myself and spending childless time with Mike because come Monday, I would be a full time mom.

On Monday afternoon, two caseworkers, and two boys and their sister knocked on our door. I feel like things after that moment are a blur. We went to Wal-Mart to pick up a few necessary items for the children and I made tacos for dinner. I do recall the children going to bed fairly easily, which was a surprise. But that next morning, as Mike was leaving for work, I became an emotional mess. I hugged and cried and begged him not to go. What was I going to do without him? I don't know how to be a mom. And my dear sweet husband started crying along with me and I realized that I'm not in this alone. Take it a day at a time. It was the longest week and one day of my life before we could get the two boys enrolled in school. Which just reminds me that my school district is year round, which means 3 weeks off every 9 weeks. Crap.

Every night and every morning that week I cried. The longer I am a foster mom to these children, the more I realize what those emotions are about. Which is a post entirely on its own.

The difficult part about having a blog is that I am usually brutally honest with myself and everyone who reads. As I have said before, many things in the foster care system may not be shared, and the things that I do share, unfortunately, I think most people may not like. My opinions are all my own (and my husbands, of course) and even though my journey is not conventional, I'm discovering things about myself that I never would have known otherwise. As I continue to express my feelings in the future, please be sensitive to the fact that I am a person, and that if I cannot be honest in this space, I see no reason to even continue to write.

If You Follow Me On Instagram....

....you would know, that last Monday, we had our very first placement. I wish that I had had time to write about it in the moment. When all the emotions were so prevalent. But now I sit here, on a Saturday night, with a 10 year old on my couch, a 9 year old on the floor, and a 5 year old running around flipping the light switches. This has absolutely been one of the most difficult weeks of my life. Becoming a mother as quickly as I did, I did not know how to prepare. What I have learned is that there is no preparing. When you don't know the ages, genders, or personalities of the children coming into your home, you just have to hold your breath and hope that you're ready. And I'm learning. 

I'm learning how to be a mom. I'm learning how to take deep breaths and count to 10. I'm learning that my relationship with my husband is absolutely one of the most important things in my life. I'm learning that it's a whole lot harder to keep my diet on track when there are three kids around (and it's not even overeating, I just don't eat when I'm so busy taking care of their needs....pathetic). I'm learning that sometimes, you just have to do things yourself. Never rely on the system. 

I'm just learning. 

When I get another moment, I will write about the placement and all the emotions that went along with that day. But for now, it's off to bath time, and story time, and probably a song or two, and then the sweet moment when the house is quiet, and I'm able to lay my head down next to Mike and maybe shed a tear or share a laugh at the reflection of another crazy day of being a foster parent.  

7 Years

Happy Anniversary to the person that makes me the happiest. 

The one that I love more than I ever thought possible.

My very best friend. 

So glad we will be together for all eternity. 

I love you.

Easter Weekend...

...was jam packed with lots of sunshine, lots of family time, and lots of stomach aches. All that good food got the better of me and I went to bed with a stomach ache Friday, Saturday and Sunday night. Which was just so much fun.

 

Mike got one of his more spectacular sunburns. Springtime is always such a learning curve with that man's skin. And nothing bugs him more than people bringing up the obvious. So make sure you ask him if he's been out in the sun.

 

I even got an Easter basket this year full of stress relieving lotions and candles, which means I always smell like I just came from the spa. Which I love. 

 

Mike got himself a vintage edger, for the lawn. It's broken. But apparently there is nothing better than a fun project that will turn into a fantastic tool, if he can get it working. When. When he can get it working.

 

We discussed the pros and cons of urinals, got cheated by Smiths, got a nail in our tire and had to replace the whole tire, and finally had our first tulips bloom.

 

But let's talk about getting cheated by Smiths for a second. That checker was so busy talking to us about our Easter weekend that she completely forgot to bag some makeup and two screw thingys that we bought. We got home and I realized we didn't have the makeup, which was a whopping $10. I wasn't about to let that slide. We had to hop back in the car and drove the 20 minutes back to Smiths, because of course we were at one over by our parents homes. Luckily they just let me show the receipt and go and grab another one. Then we got all the way home and Mike realizes that he doesn't have the screw thingy's that he bought. Not even kidding. Those were only $2 so we are just going to have to eat that one. So annoyed though. Lady, you don't care what we're doing for Easter, nor do I care what you are doing for Easter. I just came to buy these things, not make any friends. Please don't talk to me. Its awkward. Plus, its obvious you can't do two things at once.

 

Oh and we won the Left, Center, Right game at the Easter party which resulted in Easter eggs full of chocolate. And $13.77 in change. Cha-ching!

 

Plus....throw back to our first Easter as a married couple!

The Anxiety of Waiting For a Phone Call....

....may put me in my grave. It is hereditarily normal for me to have anxiety all the time. Which I do, all the time. But then you give me a real life reason to have anxiety and I'm through the roof.

 

The idea that tomorrow we could have a house full of kids just blows my mind. So mentally ready for this. So physically unprepared. I have yet to clean out the cabinet underneath the sink in the main bathroom. It currently holds all the storage of toilet paper, soap and toothpaste, leaving absolutely no room for adorable hooded baby towels or a Thomas the Train toothbrush.

 

My house is child-proof, in a safety sense, all thanks to the requirements of licensing, but what about all those other things. The things that need to be out of a child's reach not for safety purposes but my own sanity? I'm thinking that my ultimate decorator would be a bachelor. Which is an oxymoron because bachelors don't decorate which is perfect when it comes to having children running around. Except it's hard to know what needs to be put away when you don't really know what age of children you'll have.

 

Good gosh, just tell me to breathe. There is no gestation period. There is no working up from infant to toddler to child. This is just BAM, child. With you. All the time.

 

I can't even handle my excitement!

On Monday...

 ...we met our Resource Family Consultant (RFC). We have an RFC!! It's been such a long wait. It seems that none of these different divisions share information with each other so it was another 45 minutes of answering the exact same questions that we've answered several other times. What ages? How do you plan to discipline? How do you cope with stress? And on and on. We've got it all memorized now, so it's a piece of cake. Apparently Mike told them I'm a clean freak. So then I had to explain myself out of that one. He claims he didn't say "clean freak", I'll never know though. That, however, is the phrase that she used when asking me if I am "flexible" in terms of cleanliness. Well obviously. Because kids are crazy messy and if I wasn't flexible I doubt I'd want any kids coming and messing things up.

 

We are now officially on the waiting list. I finally was able to get a better idea for how many foster homes there are in the Salt Lake Valley and how many of them were waiting vs. already had placement. She said that of the six RFC's, each one has about 50-75 homes. Of the homes that she has in the Salt Lake Valley over 80% of them have placements. She says that us getting licensed for three is a very big deal. Most homes don't have that much space, yet they see more groups of children of three or more come into the system than they see one child or groups of two. Which makes me think I better start looking for some bunk beds!

 

It's crazy to think that any day now we could have a house full of kids. I'm beyond excited and completely terrified but I pray that I will have the tools that I need to be able to take care of each of their individual needs. Because I know that when God tells you to do something, he will provide the way so that it can be done.

It's Official...

...we are now licensed to foster in the State of Utah!

We received our license in the mail last Thursday and and our home study will be approved today.
Almost six months to the day of first making our decision to become foster parents. {Blast you, background check, for taking so long.} I've never felt so relieved and haven't felt more ready than I do right now. Even if I can hardly remember a thing that I learned in training. I'm so glad I chose to write about each of the eight classes. I've gone back and read those post's several times to remind myself that I actually did sit in those training's. It really did happen. I really did watch those videos, and hear those stories. I really have been prepared {as much as possible} to become a foster parent. And I've got a big manual to prove it. So let's get this thing going. The best kind of teaching is hands on experience, right?

I recently just finished reading "Little Men" by Louisa May Alcott, a beautifully written book that was recommended by another foster care blogger. My favorite excerpt is as follows,

"I only want to give these children a home in which they can be taught a few simple things which will help to make life less hard to them when they go out to fight their battles in the world. Honesty, courage, industry, faith in god, their fellow preachers and themselves. That is all I try for."

"That is everything. Give them these helps, then let them go to work out their life as men and women and whatever their success or failure is, I think they will remember and bless your efforts..."

And now we wait.

{If you missed the posts on the training classes, you can read them here: one two three four five six seven eight}