In Which There Was A Team Meeting.

In which people made me feel like all the curse words.

A normal team meeting I would say, of course, missing some of the key players. Me, caseworker, caseworkers supervisor, and GAL were all in attendance. Mom is still completely missing. No one can get a hold of her or find her. After about 20 minutes of the same old conversation, which was really more like 20 minutes of everyone watching him play and saying about every 10 seconds just how cute he is, I brought up that Mike and I do not plan to adopt.

The GAL ripped into me. And into the caseworker.

"Why don't you want to adopt him?"
"Why in the world did we place him in a home that isn't legal-risk?"

And on and on.

I don't feel like I need to give my personal reasons as to why I don't want to adopt him. So I simply said, "Because we don't want to". And I never said that I wasn't open to it in the beginning! But things change, circumstances change, and if it's not right, it's not happening. I'm not gonna force something that isn't there.

So to sum it up, Luther needs to be moved "as soon as possible" because we don't want him "bonding to a family that doesn't want him". Sure. Great. I agree on all fronts. So move him. But next time you should try actually being nice. Foster care is hard. Being a foster parent is hard. And then being attacked because it's not everything that you dreamed it was going to be just plain sucks.

So right now the caseworker is taking a look at all family members. Which by the way, when a family member says "we just can't right now but we really, really wish we could", we don't believe you. Because if you wanted to, you would. Luckily for this little guy, I know that even if no one in his family decides to take him, there will be a couple ready and waiting to scoop him up. This child is the kind that foster parents dream of. He's under 2, has no siblings, no disabilities, and no behaviors.

Yeah I know, I'm still trying to figure out what is wrong with me, but in the mean time, we prepare to send this little guy on his way.

Foster Care Has Caused An Early Midlife Crisis.

Therefore, I'm now a blonde in an effort to test out the theory "Blonde's have more fun"...

Plus, I've always wanted to try being blonde. So bucket list item, check!

A Newborn

I became an aunt again. And what a sweet baby he his. Welcome to the family, Baby Austin. We love you to pieces already.

And in a few days, Mike's sister-in-law will be having a baby boy too!

Two nephews in one month. A lucky aunt indeed.

Surprise AKA I Shouldn't Be Surprised

The night before he was supposed to be moved, the uncle called the caseworker and said he would no longer be taking him. Because he was going to be starting school and because his wife is bipolar and wasn't taking her meds.

Oh geez.

So Dear Uncle, A week ago when you said that you would take him, were the circumstances any different? No. You knew that you would be starting school. And I'm sure a week ago your wife wasn't taking her meds. So next time you think you might want to make a decision that affects more than just yourself, can you keep your mouth shut until you've decided for sure? You know, like the, Is That Your Final Answer, kind of stuff?

And the icing on the cake?

Two weeks ago we show up for a visitation with mom and she doesn't show. We find out later that she didn't make it because she "wasn't feeling up to it". Then last week as we were about to walk out the door for visitation with mom, I got a call from the caseworker telling me that the visitation is canceled because mom had "to go pick up medication". So if she actually shows up to visitation this week, it will have been three weeks since she has since her little boy. When the GAL already has all her cards against you and is trying to get rights terminated, the last thing you want to do is to not show up to visitation for two weeks in a row with those kinds of excuses. But I guess that's why your kid is in foster care.

We still have no idea how this case will turn out or how long. Just taking it day by day and spending a lot of evenings at my sweet friend's house. Working, or dancing, or singing or talking. Just enough to keep me sane. Love you Brit!

Well Truth Be Told, I'm Still Just Not Loving It.

How strange to think this beautiful little 16 month old boy continues to melt the hearts of everyone around him except for mine. I told my mother-in-law that I must have no heart. She tells me I'm being too hard on myself but I'm not so sure. Our last placement just burned me. Three school aged kids. Two boys that fought non-stop. And I just wasn't ready to be a mom of three. Flash forward, and this placement should be a breeze. An adorable 16 month old that can be whiny at times, but other than that is such a good little boy. Today I held him before laying him down for a nap, and I looked into his dark eyes and gave him a big kiss and apologized to him for not wanting to keep him forever. As I lay him in his crib, he gave me a smile. So tired and so happy to finally be in his bed. And I walked away and thought, there is seriously something wrong with me. How can I not love him? How can I not be wrapped around his little finger?

We got word that he may be leaving us this week. There is an uncle that has come forward that wants him. I'm ashamed to say that I cheered a bit when I found out. Not that my opinion matters when it comes to kinship, but he's better off there. I've done a bit of my own investigating on Facebook and he seems like a great option for this little boy. If he can't be with his mom right now, then his uncle is the next best thing.

But of course, communication is always so terrible when it comes to the GAL and DCFS and the foster parents, so I'm not quite sure when and how things will actually come to an end.

But Mike and I have officially decided that this is it for us and foster care. Our license is up in February and we plan to let it expire. It's hard knowing that something that you were so excited for and did so much work for is now coming to an end. And I truly wish it was a happier ending for us. But I guess it just wasn't part of the plan.

But on a much more adorable note, I'll leave you with a photo of our little Charlie Brown.

Mostly I Feel Like People Don't Understand Me

But mostly it is because I act a lot different on the outside than how I actually feel on the inside. I feel like Mike gets me. And when I say "gets me", I mostly think that he gets me but he doesn't actually understand why I do the things that I do. But mostly I don't expect anything different. He is a man, after all. And I am a woman, after all.

And I have a lot of people in my life that mostly get me. And I love them for trying so hard.

But mostly it's this world. We live in this world of expectations. We live in this world of censorship. We live in this world of political correctness.

And mostly, I just like to keep the peace. I hate offending people. Mostly to the point of censoring myself. Mostly to the point of keeping up appearances. Mostly, just so I don't disappoint the people around me.

And these days, I'm feeling more lost than ever. And mostly, I wish that people would drop the expectations. Because at this point, I'm just winging it.

Part Deux

We had never actually changed our minds about being on hold. Our most recent placement left in March and we were really enjoying being "empty nested". I had started doing some very flexible very part time work for my neighbor that owns a small business. My workouts were getting better, I was keeping up with laundry, I still hardly got around to making dinner (some things will never change, poor husband). We were happy.

We had started getting emails from our resource family consultant (RFC) about children that had come into care that needed a home. She was sending these emails to all empty, licensed, foster homes, whether they were on hold or not. DCFS is in desperate need of homes right now. Each email that we had gotten was overwhelming. Young sibling groups with behavioral problems. Our last placement really taught me my own personal limits as a foster parent, so accepting sibling groups was definitely not something I was open to. But because of the desperate need that we knew that DCFS was in, we had told our RFC that if they were absolutely desperate and couldn't find a home, they could let us know if a child that fits our profile came into the system and then we could have a discussion. But technically, we'd like to remain on hold.

Well because of their dire need, a phone call came not shortly after. At 5:30 pm on Mike's birthday, September 25, we were just leaving The Museum of Ancient Life when Mike received a phone call. They told us a 15 month old child was being pulled from another foster home and that they needed a home for him that night. Happy Birthday Mike! She told us all the information that she knew about the child. Our understanding was that he cries all the time unless he's being held or has a bottle in his mouth. He hates cribs. He hates baths. Mom is working on reunification. Dad is basically a loser being shipped out of state. There is some family in the valley but they haven't returned phone calls. The child has been in the system since mid-September and is being pulled from the other foster home because the constant crying has become an issue with their other child. So with this mild yet terrifying description, on the spot we decided to take him in. We rushed home from the museum to put the car seat in the car. And then found out we wouldn't be getting him until 7:30 pm so we ran out for a quick happy birthday dinner for Mike. But we were both so nervous and terrified that we probably should have just opted for takeout.

At 7:15 pm the caseworker knocked on the door with the sweetest little boy in her arms. These poor kids, I can't imagine what goes through their heads as they get passed around from person to person. And she was right, when she passed him over to me, oh how he screamed. After a few minutes he calmed down and then I passed him to Mike and the screaming started all over again. It seems so surreal when the caseworker leaves. 10 minutes ago I was enjoying my non-parenting life. And just like that, the caseworker comes and leaves and drops off  a child in the process. BAM. Full time parent.

After we all calmed down a bit, and ran to the store to pick up some of the necessities, we decided to tackle the bedtime routine. Which we were told he hated. Well that kid loves the bath! And we put him in the crib where he cried for maybe 3 minutes and then slept straight for 11 hours! We found out later that the last foster home was a bit chaotic and they didn't speak English. So no wonder he cried all the time.

We've learned a lot about this little boy in the few days he's been with us. Like he is a rock star sleeper, naps and bedtime. He doesn't cry all the time. He is super stubborn. He loves to eat. He also loves to whine. And overall, he's pretty cute.

I'm still learning about myself. Like even though we have a small, mild-mannered child, I'm still not all that quite sure that I'd like to be a parent. Still a lot of self-discovery that needs to be had.

Another Birthday, Another Decade

To my sweet husband on his birthday....that was last Friday....

Thanks for being the coolest. And for marrying me.

30 looks real good on you.

We spent the day playing all over the place, including: The Hogle Zoo, the ropes course up at the Olympic Park in Park City (pictured above), the Snowbird tram, and Thanksgiving Point Museum of Ancient Life. Oh and getting another foster child. But that's a different story for a different day.

Traditions

From the moment you get married and create yourself that little, newlywed family, you suddenly have all desire to make your family your own. You incorporate all the little quirks that you've learned growing up, while your spouse does the same, and eventually you figure out your own little place. This place where your family fits together like the pieces of freshly cut puzzle. I'm still not quite sure what picture our puzzle pieces have created, but I do know that in one little corner, we have ourselves a couple of pieces dedicated to traditions.

See, we're a little different when it comes to traditions. We've got those that we always do, but more so because of holiday extended family celebrations and though they are great, they were traditions that were inherited, instead of created by us. But then we've got the traditions that are us, through and through. Thought of and carried out by our little family. A tradition around these parts is something that we enjoy doing together, that we have done more than once, and that we plan to continue. There really is no timetable or obligation. We have traditions because they are enjoyable. Not because they are required.

One of our traditions is going to Yellowstone. The lengthy explanation was needed because this tradition has only been carried out three times over the course of an eight year marriage. As we all know, life gets in the way, and I could list a bunch of excuses why we have missed five of the eight summers, but I don't need to. See explanation of our traditions above.

And guys, Yellowstone has the greatest camping in all the land. Groomed campsites, flush toilets, showers, gas stations, convenience stores. That's my style of camping. Minus the grizzly that wanders through the campgrounds every couple of weeks. I could do without that.

Now, pictures!

My camping crack aka Muddy Buddies

We were hiking and had to jump off the trail to let this guy pass. 

Fairy Falls

Took 300 steps down to see the Lower Falls up close and personal. And then we had to hike back up....

Dinner over the fire.

My favorite man in one of my favorite places, the Grand Tetons!

The Chickens and the Eggs

In an effort to become a healthier person (let's not talk about the fact that for dinner tonight I made jumbo chocolate chip cookies) about a year and a half ago, I totally revamped my diet and exercise routine. I was tired of the non-stop cardio and 1200 calorie diet. So I started doing some research. I started weight lifting as my primary source of exercise and I started eating much differently. One of those differences was a huge upswing in my protein intake. One of my favorite sources of protein quickly became eggs. Which I guess is lucky because I guess people really get burnt out on eggs as a main source of protein? I don't know, I don't get it. Anyway, I started eating about 12-14 eggs a day, mostly in egg white form. As you can imagine, the amount of eggs I had to buy each week was huge.

Then one day, Mike had a conversation with his cousin. His chicken-owning cousin. And a week later we were building a chicken coop. In February, we purchased 10 baby chicks. We kept them in a small pen in our basement for a few months until they were big enough to be moved outside. Unfortunately, the move outside resulted in one casualty when a dog got a hold of one of our pretty white ones. (Don't even ask, I'm still traumatized.) So now we sit at 9 chickens. We finally started getting eggs in July, and we currently get about 8 eggs a day. My habit of eating eggs has dropped, so I don't eat quite has many as I used to, but I still manage to keep up with the daily layings of my chickens.

I am not really much of an animal person at all. Pets are pretty much disgusting and I like the zoo because animals are in cages. (Oh, I can hear the uproar of my opinions already...) But I can tell you, I freaking love my chickens. And not just because they give me yummy treats each day in the form of eggs. It's like having 9 little babies that I get to keep out in a cage in the backyard, and not even my backyard, my in-laws backyard (city code and all that....) and I get to go feed them and hold them when I please but other than that, very few demands! Aw, the best kind of pet!

And here are some pictures of my 9 feathered babies.

 

And for those wondering, we did name a few of them. We've got Sharon (the white one), Fiero (the orange one, also the one in the picture Mike is holding above....she's the friendliest of the 9), we have Ariel (a black chicken with red feathers on her head). The black and white chickens are our racists. They kinda stick to themselves and their kind and are the least friendly of the bunch. The rest look too much alike so they don't get names.