Barbie Cars and Early Bed Times

I hate that this has turned into a foster care blog. I love all of you that come and read my pathetic tales of fostering, but this blog, which has been going since 2007, was obviously not intended for just foster care stories. I guess it was intended to be about me. And my life. Which is narcissistic to the extreme. But more for my family to keep up with my happenings and more for me to keep track of my happenings. Posterity and all that. If we get to that point, anyway.

Today was hard. We didn't get visitation this weekend. Not that we tried to. The kids relatives are really just not good people and we figure the kids are better off not seeing them all the time. And it really is about the kids, even if I love my weekends without them. Things really did start off fine, but the amount of whining and complaining and crying in this day just kind of rubbed me the wrong way, and apparently by Saturday night, I lack in sympathy. And patience. So my five year old got to go to bed an hour early. And got a Barbie car taken away. It's just how it goes.

There is a cluster Facebook page that I am a member of for the foster families in my area. For months it seemed like people would post these stories and moments that made me wonder what I was doing wrong. All this love seemed to be flowing between foster parents and their foster children and I'm over here just counting to ten all day long. But finally, some justification came my way when for the past few weeks, story after story of frustration and lack of attachment posted on the cluster page. I'm sure the chaos that the holidays can cause in foster children played a huge part in the things that people were posting. But it was such a breath of fresh air. I have such a hard time reading about foster care success stories. Because my first one, not a success. These kids just aren't mine. And it's like the universe reminds me that every single day. They belong to another family. And I'm sure that the family that adopts them will love them to pieces. And I'm glad. Because they totally deserve it. And oh how I wish things would have been different. I wish that I was adopting my first placement. How sad to take in kids and then send them away. But it's just how it is. And that must be how God intended it. Because I gave this my all. And it didn't work out.

Team meeting on Monday. If the caseworker did her job (hah), then we should be finding out the details of the move.

The End of the Year.

Reflecting on all the wonderful times of 2014, like our beautiful trip to Hawaii, and becoming parents for the first time, while also remembering those more miserable times, like becoming parents for the first time.

We celebrate New Years Eve by putting our 3D television and copy of The Hobbit to good use. The kids are off celebrating at visitation, who knows where, staying up until all hours of the night, I'm sure. My Christmas tree is still harboring presents, with the kids having been at visitation since before the holidays. Wondering if that will be one of our more horrible ideas, letting them stay that long, but I guess we'll find out when they get home, which is who knows when. Really.

Ready for this phase of our foster care experience to be over.

But 2015 will find us continuing on with foster care, as we've decided to give it another go. When our kids leave, we open ourselves up to be foster parents once again. We've decided to only take one child this time and we've discussed only doing 0-12 month olds. According to our caseworker, our kids will be leaving our home sometime in January, which in caseworker speak means before the end of February...probably.

2015 will also find us with a trip to Napa in March, and I'm sure many unplanned happenings, the good and the bad.

To be honest, my forecast of 2015 is rather boring. I see a year of simplicity. I see a year mundane. After the last few years that we've had, a boring year is probably more of what we need. But I already see myself wishing for something more exciting. Telling myself that if I want something more, then I need to get out and chase it, but already realizing my expectations for myself are rather low. I don't know if its the ever-changing life of foster parenting, or my inherited traits, that keep me from following the excitement, but whatever it is, I'm grateful to have another year to play it out.

Happy New Year!

The Last Days

Today was that kind of day. The kind where everything seemed to be blowing up around me, all while in the comfort of my own home. I even stayed in my pajamas the entire day in an effort to make the day just that much more comfortable. Joke is on me.

 

The kids are off track, and what is it with the blasted Pokémon cards anyway? I have never hated a toy more. And it's not really even a toy. I did the most fair thing I could do to settle the battle between the two boys yet I still get slammed by the emotions of the middle child. He is my crier. And boy did he cry today.

But really, that's not what put me over the edge.

I know they try their best, but those state workers....

As foster parents, all we really are hoping for is a bit of communication. When something happens in the case, we feel like we should be at the top of the list for people to call. Our caseworker is really good at completely forgetting we are on the call list at all.

We had court this week. From the court hearing, we expected that the kids could be moved anytime from mid-January to the end of February. The CASA worker called today and asked me if I had anymore information about the kids being moved ASAP, because that is what she had been told was happening.

News to me.

The caseworker is back at it. Sharing information with everyone else but me. Apparently, she had spoken too soon, so the kids will not be moved "ASAP". But to me, that's not the point. I had to hear through the grapevine that the kids were going to be moved.

But that's almost not the point either. That long moment between the voicemail from the CASA worker and the text reply from the caseworker, my anxiety was through the roof! Was the moment finally here? The moment of preparing the kids to go to a new home? And suddenly I didn't know if I was to laugh or to cry. Because heaven knows, the kids have tested my limits and with the lack of attachment, we've been nearly excited to have them move on. But then realizing that my little five year old buddy, who the other day asked me if Jesus sleeps, will no longer be following me around, asking me questions just to hear the sound of her own voice; that's going to be hard to get used to.

Yes, we know that these kids will be leaving soon. Very soon. Some days, days like today, not soon enough. But it's weird when suddenly your timetable is thrown off.

What an overly emotional life we foster parents lead.

Kauai

Destination weddings are simply the greatest. Mike's brother and his fiancé decided to be married on the beach in Hawaii, so we decided to make a vacation of it. We spent over a week with Mike's family exploring the lovely island of Kauai. And now pictures. Because it helps remind me that just last week I was laying on the beach in the sunshine instead of here in the cold, windy state of Utah.

Being a Disappointment

A few days ago we hit our six month mark of being foster parents. Half a year has been spent sharing our home with three children that sometimes make me crazy. And sometimes make me cry. And sometimes make me smile. And sometimes make me laugh. My gut from the beginning of this placement was that we would have these kids until the fall. I was sure they'd be gone before Thanksgiving. Especially with the news of them being moved. But from day to day, things change, and we came across a huge hold-up in the case, making it look as if they'll be here at least through the new year. So here we sit with a shift of thinking and a few children Christmas lists.

 

But after a solid six months, and quite possibly another six more, I reflect on what has been said, and what has been written and how we feel about where we are.

 

You see, one of the more difficult parts, for me, of being a foster parent is telling people that I am a foster parent. Many people give praise. Many people seem to think that it takes a completely awesome person to be a foster parent. But I've never thought of it that way. To be honest, before we made the decision to become foster parents, I don't know if I'd ever thought about them at all. But now that I am one of them, being thought of as this selfless, amazing person just doesn't seem to fit. I don't feel like that. Because I am not one. How can someone say to your face that they think 'it's just awesome what you are doing', when all you can think about is when it will be over. I'm so uncomfortable with people thinking I'm 'neat' when I feel completely selfish and naïve.

 

I've never really hidden my feelings on this situation. Obviously. Friends and family always ask how things are going, and I never sugarcoat it. They hear the good and the bad. {Yes, there is good...and if I'd write more often, you'd probably hear more about it.} What I've come to realize is that when you are blatantly honest with people, they begin to see the person you really are. The person you didn't even realize that you were. As I explained, I'm highly uncomfortable being thought of as a saint. Yet, being thought of as a disappointment is a hard pill to swallow.

 

When we announced to close friends and family that we were taking the leap into foster care, they were all quite supportive and seemed to think that we would make great foster parents and that any child that came into our home would be 'lucky'. While I am so grateful for their support, I am so disappointed that I've disappointed them.

 

Our thoughts on parenthood in general have changed. We've really put our future family on hold. Do we have a timeline? No. But this is the part that is most disappointing. I've always wanted to be mom. And Mike, a dad. And we've talked, and dreamed and planned our lives around it. And now, we just really don't want to. Truly the only thing in my life that keeps my hope alive is how much in love I am with my five month old niece. That sweet babe makes me want to be pregnant nine months ago! But then....reality...and my face turns all sour and it makes me want to pop 10 birth control pills.

 

I know we've disappointed people with our current thoughts on parenthood. But truly, I think we've disappointed ourselves the most. Which is the biggest disappointment of all.

Bad Moods and Court Dates

I wish I could explain away my bad moods. Some reason for being so internally frustrated all the time. All she is doing is watching 'Frozen' while I sit here wasting time on the Internet when I should be planning my lesson for Sunday (which ironically enough is on how to develop Christlike love...).

No reason for me to be in a bad mood based on the context. Yet, I have a constant feeling of irritation. Yes, we know that I have no attachment to these kids, which explains my lack of love for them. But I can't justify my frustration. They want a snack, I'm bugged. I have to sign something for school, I'm bugged. They wake up in the morning, I'm bugged.

Obviously, I'm the worst foster parent. Ever. And immature.

The dumbest part about it is when I can actually get out of myself and enjoy them, we really do have a good time. But it is such a struggle to do that. Everyone that meets them, loves them. I have a sister that tells me all the time that she wants all three of them. I wish I did. I wish it had been different. I just can't force it. I need therapy.

We had court yesterday. The kids were required to be there, which means I also attended. Long story (that I'm not really allowed to talk about) short, the caseworker will begin looking for another home for the children. (This makes it sound like we sent the kids away, which is so not the case. I may not be attached but I would never kick out kids.) Which is what we were assuming would happen. We go on vacation in November, and they are trying to have the kids moved before then to avoid multiple disruptions. I doubt that is realistic, but it absolutely could happen. Weird.

So now we wait. We try to enjoy what time we have left. If we can teach ourselves how to enjoy them. All while secretly gathering their things together in one place so that we don't forget to pack it all up. I say secretly because the kids aren't aware of the details. They don't know that in a short month they could be gone. Foster care really is heartbreaking. (Coming from someone that sometimes wonders if she has a heart.)

A Birthday

We celebrated 29 years of life for Mike this month. And isn't it weird to be the age that no one ever wants to age from? We dropped the kids off a day early for visitation which meant we actually got to do something. And all he wanted was dinner and a movie. Of course, getting old and all, I'm not quite sure what else to do on a birthday. And its true, I'm seeing more gray hair than ever before and I've got this new wrinkle under my eye that needs some wrinkle cream stat. I digress....Dear Michael, I love you so. A happy happy birthday to you five days ago. Last year of your twenties so lets travel lots, yeah?

Something Happened Today.

I got a phone call from the caseworker that put all things into perspective. Obviously, without divulging any facts of the case, these kids may be leaving a heck of a lot sooner than was expected. And it kind of made me sad.

Believe me, I was just as shocked as you.

But first let me put my feelings into words. It comes as no surprise to anyone familiar with this blog that I wouldn't mind these kids leaving. My first sadness is for the kids. I am sad that they may just be shipped off somewhere else. That they may be doing this all over again. That it may just be another foster home to add to the list. Because they don't deserve this. No child deserves this kind of crap.

And I'm sad that they have a sucky family.

My third sadness is for myself. I went from being busy with work, to being really busy with work and kids, to being busy with kids. And now it seems I'm headed for nothingness. Which is awkward, and lazy, and wasteful. And I'm not quite sure how I'm going to handle going from wanting to rip my hair out from all the noise, to wanting to rip my hair out from all the quiet.

Another sadness is that I feel like I've put in so much effort in teaching values and morals and goals, just to see it might go to waste. Save for college, save for college! What if wherever they go next, their new role model doesn't much care about saving for college? Or doing homework. Or being home on time. Or washing your hands. I feel like I need to be in on the interview process or something.

Simply put, I didn't realize until today that I generally care for the welfare of these children. Yes, I may not feel like I can make them a part of my family permanently, but I've got my fingers crossed for their future. They are good kids. And they really can do great things, I'm sure of it. I just pray that they can find the support that they need to succeed.

Finale

After turning in my notice 10 weeks ago, I walked out of the office for the last time. And I was sad. I've never been one for work. You can see past posts here and here and here about how I really feel about a career life. But as I walked out of the best job that I have ever had, I wondered to myself, is this really what I wanted?

I quit my job to be a stay-at-home foster mom. Well if you've been keep up on your reading, then you'll know that this foster mom thing isn't necessarily a dream come true. So quitting my nearly perfect job to become full time at a not so perfect job is, well, much less than perfect. But I didn't really have a choice when working full time just wasn't working for me. (Props to all you moms who work at all, I have no idea how you do it and still take care of a home and kids.)

But I can't help feeling the pressure suddenly lifted. I've been spending so much of my home time working that when I'm at home and not working, I feel guilty. The curse of working from home. But it's impossible to be a full time employee when you can't really go into the office because you have three kids in school (one of which is in half-day Kindergarten) and simply, when your heart just isn't into it.

My biggest fear is what is it that my heart is into these days? Besides my super hot husband of course. I don't want to be at work, yet I seem to not want to be a mother. So I'm not quite sure where my heart is. Or my head for that matter. By the way, it's super fun to be 28 years old and still have no clue what you are doing with your life. *sarcasm*

Unattached

Nine months ago I was sitting in the required training classes to become a licensed foster parent. I specifically remember sitting in the class on attachment. Our instructor spoke about how so many foster parents are afraid to become attached, because they know that one day, their foster children may leave them. In turn, leaving them with a broken heart. But we were reminded, once again, that opening ourselves up to these children will be what is best for them. If you become attached to your foster kids, you will be able to provide a love for them that is necessary for proper development. Attach, attach, attach! is what she was saying.

And I remember sitting there thinking to myself, of course I will become attached! It would be nearly impossible for me to not be able to become attached! I love children! And the thoughts went on and on. And yes, I really truly did believe every single one of them.

Well, it didn't happen.

And these kids! Oh these kids. They can be particularly adorable and entertaining. And truly, for being in the foster care system, they do extremely well. They misbehave as most kids do, but not at the level which many foster children do.

There is a cluster page on Facebook that I am a part of that is for local foster families. And I have seen countless posts about how much love they have for their foster kids. Like when they do overnights with biological parents how sad they are and how much they miss their foster child! Or how their foster child is going to be reunified with their biological family and how they are heart broken. And I don't discount any of their emotions. But I just don't have those feelings. Like this weekend when the weekend visitation that the kids normally have with relatives was canceled. That's when I wanted to cry.

My mom says to me all the time, don't you think the kids can sense that your not attached to them?

I hope not. I really hope not. And Mike and I really do try to hide that fact.

But what I learned is that attachment cannot be forced. Just because I have a love for children in general, does not mean that every child that comes into my home will be the recipient of that love. And it makes me sound awful and cold-hearted, but love cannot be forced. I tried. I really did. But I am just not attached to these kids.

And one day, if parental rights were ever terminated and these children were placed for adoption, I would not be able to adopt them. That alone is heart-breaking. But I don't think it would be hard at all to find a family that would be better suited for them. Because they really are good kids.

I have never, in all my foster care blog reading, come across posts quite like mine. Most foster parents love foster care and would go to the ends of the earth for their foster children. But I can't lie. And I promised I would share my experience. And not all days are bad. But most days I go to bed exhausted with tears in my eyes asking myself what in the world I was thinking.