I know that seems to be a common thing, seasonal effective disorder and all. And I know that when I stop working out, things are really bad. See winter of 2016-2017 and the extra 7-10 pounds that I seem to be carrying around.
After we got home from Bali, I tried my hardest to keep going with my normal routine, but after becoming quite accustomed to not working, my normal routine wasn't my normal routine anymore. I had to create a new routine off of a job that I didn't want. And then winter hits. Which is basically the ruiner of life.
I'm happy to announce that I came out on the other side, and even though it snowed today...in May (those poor brides though) spring has sprung and the sun has come out. And I can feel it. Feel it deep in my bones. I told Mike the other day that for me, that was probably the hardest winter I've ever had. He quickly reminded me of the two winters that I had as a foster mom...true, babe. It was the hardest winter I've ever had, in non-foster mom status.
So a few things that we've been up to.
In February, we took a quick weekend trip down to Moab. I hadn't ever been before, and the weather was slightly cooperating and hotels in Moab are cheeeaaapp in the winter. So why not?!
We borrowed a drum set from Mike's brother, and we've been having jam sessions almost nightly since. Initially, I was the one that wanted to learn to play, but Mike has been the one really getting into it! I have better rhythm than him, however he has a more spontaneous nature and is much better at fills (yes, I did have to Google the term).
My sweet sister lost her baby girl at 34 weeks. We've had the opportunity over the last month and a half to celebrate the joy that Felicity Grace brought us even though we never had the chance to meet her. My sister and her family have handled this sadness with such grace and strength, I'm amazed every day at the faith that she has.
Over the course of the last ten months of me working, we have paid nearly $50,000 in student loans! If there has been anything that has brought me pure joy over the past 10 months of working, it is that we will be out of student loan debt by the end of the year! I have already planned to quit my job in July, even though they don't know that yet. And yes, I will be returning to my very favorite job, which is a stay at home wife. I feel like I have never looked forward to anything this much!
Many of you know that we entered a contest to win a free IVF treatment back in December. We obviously didn't win the contest. I have been very private about our infertility struggles as frankly, it's none of anyone's business, and I am choosing to keep it that way. Foster care changed my entire perspective on becoming a mother, and I truly think that it was God's way of making me accept my infertility. I'm grateful for the infertility struggles that I went through. I'm grateful for the foster care struggles that I went through. And I'm grateful for the current freedom that I feel from knowing that parenting is freaking hard and that my infertility is currently a blessing. Talk to me about it again in 5 years.😉 Except don't, because I probably won't tell you anyway.
Showing posts with label Abby Rants. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Abby Rants. Show all posts
5.18.2017
7.15.2016
The Week In Which I Grew Up
It’s been a tough year. In my desperation to find myself
before my 30th birthday, I feel like I lost myself more in my late
20’s than anything else. With that being said, turning 30 last week was rather
difficult for me. What a different person I am than I ever thought I would be
at 30. Every day I wake up and wonder, what is it that will make this day
different, special. What will make me feel at peace. Feel like I am doing
exactly as God intended.
Don’t misinterpret, I’m very happy. I get to spend each and
every day with the man that I love, surrounded by friends and family, in my
beautiful home, that is surrounded by Utah’s incredible mountains.
Anyway, turning 30 was only the half of this week in which I
grew up. Two days after my 30th birthday, I went back to work full
time in over two years. I now find myself in an office building with 800
colleagues back in the role as an accountant. When I quit my job two years ago,
I never planned to go back. My husband makes enough to provide for us and
working full time isn’t my favorite thing, as noted in many blog posts in the
past. However, when an accountant position opened up at the same company that
my husband works for as an attorney, he sent me the job description with the
comment, “If you ever were planning on going back to work, this is the company
that you should work for”.
So I applied. And just that quickly, I got an interview. And
the next day, a second interview. And two days later, a job offer. Offering
more money than I had asked for. So how could I not take it. I had to at least
try to be an adult.
And if being an adult becomes too hard, well that’s just too
bad. Because I’m 30 now. And with that comes responsibility.
I don’t mind my job. It’s nice to feel that importance
again. And it’s nice to be paying off my husband’s student loans, paycheck by
paycheck. However, talk to me about it again in 6 months. My motto?
It could be worse. It could be winter.
So when I’m waking up at 5:45AM to get in my workout in the
pitch black and coming home from work when the sun comes down, I’m afraid my
tune will change. But for now, the sun is shining, and I’m making money.
4.29.2016
Cinderella
This post has been weighing on my mind for weeks now. That's when I know its something that I need to write down. And you know, Mother's Day is a week away, so why not talk about it!
Being a parent taught me a lot. It taught me some really great things. It brought to light the really bad things. But mostly it taught me that I'm a great mom, but a terrible mother.
To me, mother is a very endearing term. Mother is a person that loves. Mother is a person that cares. Mother is a person that feels and nurtures.
Mom is different. Mom is the person that keeps the house running. Mom is organized. Mom teaches. Mom keeps the schedule.
(And before my mom gets offended....yes, I call you mom, but you are also my dear, sweet mother.)
Both of the opportunities I had to be a mom, I was exactly that, and nothing more. I was so organized. I kept that schedule like it was a part of the ten commandments. I helped with countless homework assignments. I taught numbers. I taught body parts. I taught colors. And I was very good at it. In the five months we had our dream baby, he learned so much. And it was so rewarding. That moment when our five year old finally counted to 10 all by herself, I was so proud. And so happy. But those moments were fleeting. I couldn't find lasting joy as a mom. There were small moments of love, but most were resentment. I didn't care enough. I didn't feel enough. I didn't nurture enough and I didn't want to.
Cinderella says "Have Courage & Be Kind".
I didn't & I wasn't.
When our dream baby was still with us, I mentioned to a friend that this must be what post-partum depression feels like but I didn't start actually looking into it until after dream baby was already gone. Turns out that even though at a glance it may not make sense, adoptive/foster moms can experience post-partum depression just like birth mothers can, in fact, 65% of them do. I can't explain my relief when I found that there is an entire slew of women that have experienced this. These two paragraphs written by Elizabeth Elias are everything:
Yes, she had a lot to learn and overcome, but the fault did not lie with her. So that left me. It must have been my fault. I carried that heavy cross of blame with me every day, everywhere. Charlie and my husband bonded with Rose right away. But the development of my mother-daughter relationship with her was much less smooth. I felt no bond with her and I was overwhelmed by her needs. I wanted to love her, desperately and immediately. But bonds are not always instant and need to be nurtured. I grew overwhelmed. My guilt over not having instant love for her was huge. She called my name with every breath she took: Momma, momma, momma, momma. I couldn’t find my footing. I craved my own space. I knew she needed and deserved for me to step up. This poor child had never had a mother to love her. I wanted to be that person but I failed. I failed daily for a year.
My guilt turned to anger. Rage. Because of her I was proving to be a bad mother. I felt very much alone. I loathed my existence. The guilt was everything I breathed, thought and did. I regretted the adoption. I felt trapped.
Source
So where am I?
Even after finding such relief in knowing that I'm not completely crazy, I'm still completely terrified to be a parent. I turn 30 this year. 30!
"You're not getting any younger!"
"You're biological clock is ticking!"
"No one is ever ready to be a parent!"
Well luckily, being 30 also makes me quite the adult, which means I get to make all my own decisions. Maybe one day we'll have kids. Maybe we won't and we'll just love on our nieces and nephews and then send them home when they get whiny. The good news is if we ever do decide to become parents, I can be highly medicated to make me a good mom and a good mother...
Being a parent taught me a lot. It taught me some really great things. It brought to light the really bad things. But mostly it taught me that I'm a great mom, but a terrible mother.
To me, mother is a very endearing term. Mother is a person that loves. Mother is a person that cares. Mother is a person that feels and nurtures.
Mom is different. Mom is the person that keeps the house running. Mom is organized. Mom teaches. Mom keeps the schedule.
(And before my mom gets offended....yes, I call you mom, but you are also my dear, sweet mother.)
Both of the opportunities I had to be a mom, I was exactly that, and nothing more. I was so organized. I kept that schedule like it was a part of the ten commandments. I helped with countless homework assignments. I taught numbers. I taught body parts. I taught colors. And I was very good at it. In the five months we had our dream baby, he learned so much. And it was so rewarding. That moment when our five year old finally counted to 10 all by herself, I was so proud. And so happy. But those moments were fleeting. I couldn't find lasting joy as a mom. There were small moments of love, but most were resentment. I didn't care enough. I didn't feel enough. I didn't nurture enough and I didn't want to.
Cinderella says "Have Courage & Be Kind".
I didn't & I wasn't.
When our dream baby was still with us, I mentioned to a friend that this must be what post-partum depression feels like but I didn't start actually looking into it until after dream baby was already gone. Turns out that even though at a glance it may not make sense, adoptive/foster moms can experience post-partum depression just like birth mothers can, in fact, 65% of them do. I can't explain my relief when I found that there is an entire slew of women that have experienced this. These two paragraphs written by Elizabeth Elias are everything:
Yes, she had a lot to learn and overcome, but the fault did not lie with her. So that left me. It must have been my fault. I carried that heavy cross of blame with me every day, everywhere. Charlie and my husband bonded with Rose right away. But the development of my mother-daughter relationship with her was much less smooth. I felt no bond with her and I was overwhelmed by her needs. I wanted to love her, desperately and immediately. But bonds are not always instant and need to be nurtured. I grew overwhelmed. My guilt over not having instant love for her was huge. She called my name with every breath she took: Momma, momma, momma, momma. I couldn’t find my footing. I craved my own space. I knew she needed and deserved for me to step up. This poor child had never had a mother to love her. I wanted to be that person but I failed. I failed daily for a year.
My guilt turned to anger. Rage. Because of her I was proving to be a bad mother. I felt very much alone. I loathed my existence. The guilt was everything I breathed, thought and did. I regretted the adoption. I felt trapped.
Source
So where am I?
Even after finding such relief in knowing that I'm not completely crazy, I'm still completely terrified to be a parent. I turn 30 this year. 30!
"You're not getting any younger!"
"You're biological clock is ticking!"
"No one is ever ready to be a parent!"
Well luckily, being 30 also makes me quite the adult, which means I get to make all my own decisions. Maybe one day we'll have kids. Maybe we won't and we'll just love on our nieces and nephews and then send them home when they get whiny. The good news is if we ever do decide to become parents, I can be highly medicated to make me a good mom and a good mother...
1.31.2016
On All Things
My newest goal is to be a bit more attentive to my blog and write about all things in my life and not just foster care.
However, lets start with foster care. We are now back down to just one family member wanting him. Their background checks have to go to a review board because there is a bit of a background on one of the family members, but nothing that should stop them from getting him. It just makes the process take longer, but what's new? Everything makes the process take longer. He'll be gone by the end of February though, because our license expires at the end of February. And yes, we are letting it expire.
Unfortunately, we've learned that foster care just isn't for us. I wish it could have turned out differently, but we can't change how we feel. We're putting becoming parents on hold indefinitely. We just don't really love parenting. A far cry from so badly wanting to be a mom three months after I was married! We feel no rush in needing to become parents and when and if we ever do feel like we'd like to jump on that Mormon bandwagon, we will. If being the key word at this point.
Mike is making a job change. He's currently been working at a small law firm about 20 minutes from home. That firm has been a blessing to us and to him as working as an actual attorney, only having been graduated from law school for a few years, in this market, is very rare. He'll be moving on to the bigger and better as he's accepted an offer for a firm downtown. He'll still be practicing the same type of law. Which is something no one understands or has ever heard of.
I'm still living the dream as I spend my time at the gym, at home and with family and friends. I count my blessings each and every day. And I'm headed to the sunshine in less than a month as my mom and I are going to visit my sister in Phoenix for her birthday. I see poolside lounging in my future.
However, lets start with foster care. We are now back down to just one family member wanting him. Their background checks have to go to a review board because there is a bit of a background on one of the family members, but nothing that should stop them from getting him. It just makes the process take longer, but what's new? Everything makes the process take longer. He'll be gone by the end of February though, because our license expires at the end of February. And yes, we are letting it expire.
Unfortunately, we've learned that foster care just isn't for us. I wish it could have turned out differently, but we can't change how we feel. We're putting becoming parents on hold indefinitely. We just don't really love parenting. A far cry from so badly wanting to be a mom three months after I was married! We feel no rush in needing to become parents and when and if we ever do feel like we'd like to jump on that Mormon bandwagon, we will. If being the key word at this point.
Mike is making a job change. He's currently been working at a small law firm about 20 minutes from home. That firm has been a blessing to us and to him as working as an actual attorney, only having been graduated from law school for a few years, in this market, is very rare. He'll be moving on to the bigger and better as he's accepted an offer for a firm downtown. He'll still be practicing the same type of law. Which is something no one understands or has ever heard of.
I'm still living the dream as I spend my time at the gym, at home and with family and friends. I count my blessings each and every day. And I'm headed to the sunshine in less than a month as my mom and I are going to visit my sister in Phoenix for her birthday. I see poolside lounging in my future.
12.14.2015
In Which There Was A Team Meeting.
In which people made me feel like all the curse words.
A normal team meeting I would say, of course, missing some of the key players. Me, caseworker, caseworkers supervisor, and GAL were all in attendance. Mom is still completely missing. No one can get a hold of her or find her. After about 20 minutes of the same old conversation, which was really more like 20 minutes of everyone watching him play and saying about every 10 seconds just how cute he is, I brought up that Mike and I do not plan to adopt.
The GAL ripped into me. And into the caseworker.
"Why don't you want to adopt him?"
"Why in the world did we place him in a home that isn't legal-risk?"
And on and on.
I don't feel like I need to give my personal reasons as to why I don't want to adopt him. So I simply said, "Because we don't want to". And I never said that I wasn't open to it in the beginning! But things change, circumstances change, and if it's not right, it's not happening. I'm not gonna force something that isn't there.
So to sum it up, Luther needs to be moved "as soon as possible" because we don't want him "bonding to a family that doesn't want him". Sure. Great. I agree on all fronts. So move him. But next time you should try actually being nice. Foster care is hard. Being a foster parent is hard. And then being attacked because it's not everything that you dreamed it was going to be just plain sucks.
So right now the caseworker is taking a look at all family members. Which by the way, when a family member says "we just can't right now but we really, really wish we could", we don't believe you. Because if you wanted to, you would. Luckily for this little guy, I know that even if no one in his family decides to take him, there will be a couple ready and waiting to scoop him up. This child is the kind that foster parents dream of. He's under 2, has no siblings, no disabilities, and no behaviors.
Yeah I know, I'm still trying to figure out what is wrong with me, but in the mean time, we prepare to send this little guy on his way.
A normal team meeting I would say, of course, missing some of the key players. Me, caseworker, caseworkers supervisor, and GAL were all in attendance. Mom is still completely missing. No one can get a hold of her or find her. After about 20 minutes of the same old conversation, which was really more like 20 minutes of everyone watching him play and saying about every 10 seconds just how cute he is, I brought up that Mike and I do not plan to adopt.
The GAL ripped into me. And into the caseworker.
"Why don't you want to adopt him?"
"Why in the world did we place him in a home that isn't legal-risk?"
And on and on.
I don't feel like I need to give my personal reasons as to why I don't want to adopt him. So I simply said, "Because we don't want to". And I never said that I wasn't open to it in the beginning! But things change, circumstances change, and if it's not right, it's not happening. I'm not gonna force something that isn't there.
So to sum it up, Luther needs to be moved "as soon as possible" because we don't want him "bonding to a family that doesn't want him". Sure. Great. I agree on all fronts. So move him. But next time you should try actually being nice. Foster care is hard. Being a foster parent is hard. And then being attacked because it's not everything that you dreamed it was going to be just plain sucks.
So right now the caseworker is taking a look at all family members. Which by the way, when a family member says "we just can't right now but we really, really wish we could", we don't believe you. Because if you wanted to, you would. Luckily for this little guy, I know that even if no one in his family decides to take him, there will be a couple ready and waiting to scoop him up. This child is the kind that foster parents dream of. He's under 2, has no siblings, no disabilities, and no behaviors.
Yeah I know, I'm still trying to figure out what is wrong with me, but in the mean time, we prepare to send this little guy on his way.
11.29.2015
Foster Care Has Caused An Early Midlife Crisis.
Therefore, I'm now a blonde in an effort to test out the theory "Blonde's have more fun"...
11.15.2015
Surprise AKA I Shouldn't Be Surprised
The night before he was supposed to be moved, the uncle called the caseworker and said he would no longer be taking him. Because he was going to be starting school and because his wife is bipolar and wasn't taking her meds.
Oh geez.
So Dear Uncle, A week ago when you said that you would take him, were the circumstances any different? No. You knew that you would be starting school. And I'm sure a week ago your wife wasn't taking her meds. So next time you think you might want to make a decision that affects more than just yourself, can you keep your mouth shut until you've decided for sure? You know, like the, Is That Your Final Answer, kind of stuff?
And the icing on the cake?
Two weeks ago we show up for a visitation with mom and she doesn't show. We find out later that she didn't make it because she "wasn't feeling up to it". Then last week as we were about to walk out the door for visitation with mom, I got a call from the caseworker telling me that the visitation is canceled because mom had "to go pick up medication". So if she actually shows up to visitation this week, it will have been three weeks since she has since her little boy. When the GAL already has all her cards against you and is trying to get rights terminated, the last thing you want to do is to not show up to visitation for two weeks in a row with those kinds of excuses. But I guess that's why your kid is in foster care.
We still have no idea how this case will turn out or how long. Just taking it day by day and spending a lot of evenings at my sweet friend's house. Working, or dancing, or singing or talking. Just enough to keep me sane. Love you Brit!
11.02.2015
Well Truth Be Told, I'm Still Just Not Loving It.
How strange to think this beautiful little 16 month old boy continues to melt the hearts of everyone around him except for mine. I told my mother-in-law that I must have no heart. She tells me I'm being too hard on myself but I'm not so sure. Our last placement just burned me. Three school aged kids. Two boys that fought non-stop. And I just wasn't ready to be a mom of three. Flash forward, and this placement should be a breeze. An adorable 16 month old that can be whiny at times, but other than that is such a good little boy. Today I held him before laying him down for a nap, and I looked into his dark eyes and gave him a big kiss and apologized to him for not wanting to keep him forever. As I lay him in his crib, he gave me a smile. So tired and so happy to finally be in his bed. And I walked away and thought, there is seriously something wrong with me. How can I not love him? How can I not be wrapped around his little finger?
We got word that he may be leaving us this week. There is an uncle that has come forward that wants him. I'm ashamed to say that I cheered a bit when I found out. Not that my opinion matters when it comes to kinship, but he's better off there. I've done a bit of my own investigating on Facebook and he seems like a great option for this little boy. If he can't be with his mom right now, then his uncle is the next best thing.
But of course, communication is always so terrible when it comes to the GAL and DCFS and the foster parents, so I'm not quite sure when and how things will actually come to an end.
But Mike and I have officially decided that this is it for us and foster care. Our license is up in February and we plan to let it expire. It's hard knowing that something that you were so excited for and did so much work for is now coming to an end. And I truly wish it was a happier ending for us. But I guess it just wasn't part of the plan.
But on a much more adorable note, I'll leave you with a photo of our little Charlie Brown.
We got word that he may be leaving us this week. There is an uncle that has come forward that wants him. I'm ashamed to say that I cheered a bit when I found out. Not that my opinion matters when it comes to kinship, but he's better off there. I've done a bit of my own investigating on Facebook and he seems like a great option for this little boy. If he can't be with his mom right now, then his uncle is the next best thing.
But of course, communication is always so terrible when it comes to the GAL and DCFS and the foster parents, so I'm not quite sure when and how things will actually come to an end.
But Mike and I have officially decided that this is it for us and foster care. Our license is up in February and we plan to let it expire. It's hard knowing that something that you were so excited for and did so much work for is now coming to an end. And I truly wish it was a happier ending for us. But I guess it just wasn't part of the plan.
But on a much more adorable note, I'll leave you with a photo of our little Charlie Brown.
10.21.2015
Mostly I Feel Like People Don't Understand Me
But mostly it is because I act a lot different on the outside than how I actually feel on the inside. I feel like Mike gets me. And when I say "gets me", I mostly think that he gets me but he doesn't actually understand why I do the things that I do. But mostly I don't expect anything different. He is a man, after all. And I am a woman, after all.
And I have a lot of people in my life that mostly get me. And I love them for trying so hard.
But mostly it's this world. We live in this world of expectations. We live in this world of censorship. We live in this world of political correctness.
And mostly, I just like to keep the peace. I hate offending people. Mostly to the point of censoring myself. Mostly to the point of keeping up appearances. Mostly, just so I don't disappoint the people around me.
And these days, I'm feeling more lost than ever. And mostly, I wish that people would drop the expectations. Because at this point, I'm just winging it.
And I have a lot of people in my life that mostly get me. And I love them for trying so hard.
But mostly it's this world. We live in this world of expectations. We live in this world of censorship. We live in this world of political correctness.
And mostly, I just like to keep the peace. I hate offending people. Mostly to the point of censoring myself. Mostly to the point of keeping up appearances. Mostly, just so I don't disappoint the people around me.
And these days, I'm feeling more lost than ever. And mostly, I wish that people would drop the expectations. Because at this point, I'm just winging it.
10.01.2015
Part Deux
We had never actually changed our minds about being on hold. Our most recent placement left in March and we were really enjoying being "empty nested". I had started doing some very flexible very part time work for my neighbor that owns a small business. My workouts were getting better, I was keeping up with laundry, I still hardly got around to making dinner (some things will never change, poor husband). We were happy.
We had started getting emails from our resource family consultant (RFC) about children that had come into care that needed a home. She was sending these emails to all empty, licensed, foster homes, whether they were on hold or not. DCFS is in desperate need of homes right now. Each email that we had gotten was overwhelming. Young sibling groups with behavioral problems. Our last placement really taught me my own personal limits as a foster parent, so accepting sibling groups was definitely not something I was open to. But because of the desperate need that we knew that DCFS was in, we had told our RFC that if they were absolutely desperate and couldn't find a home, they could let us know if a child that fits our profile came into the system and then we could have a discussion. But technically, we'd like to remain on hold.
Well because of their dire need, a phone call came not shortly after. At 5:30 pm on Mike's birthday, September 25, we were just leaving The Museum of Ancient Life when Mike received a phone call. They told us a 15 month old child was being pulled from another foster home and that they needed a home for him that night. Happy Birthday Mike! She told us all the information that she knew about the child. Our understanding was that he cries all the time unless he's being held or has a bottle in his mouth. He hates cribs. He hates baths. Mom is working on reunification. Dad is basically a loser being shipped out of state. There is some family in the valley but they haven't returned phone calls. The child has been in the system since mid-September and is being pulled from the other foster home because the constant crying has become an issue with their other child. So with this mild yet terrifying description, on the spot we decided to take him in. We rushed home from the museum to put the car seat in the car. And then found out we wouldn't be getting him until 7:30 pm so we ran out for a quick happy birthday dinner for Mike. But we were both so nervous and terrified that we probably should have just opted for takeout.
At 7:15 pm the caseworker knocked on the door with the sweetest little boy in her arms. These poor kids, I can't imagine what goes through their heads as they get passed around from person to person. And she was right, when she passed him over to me, oh how he screamed. After a few minutes he calmed down and then I passed him to Mike and the screaming started all over again. It seems so surreal when the caseworker leaves. 10 minutes ago I was enjoying my non-parenting life. And just like that, the caseworker comes and leaves and drops off a child in the process. BAM. Full time parent.
After we all calmed down a bit, and ran to the store to pick up some of the necessities, we decided to tackle the bedtime routine. Which we were told he hated. Well that kid loves the bath! And we put him in the crib where he cried for maybe 3 minutes and then slept straight for 11 hours! We found out later that the last foster home was a bit chaotic and they didn't speak English. So no wonder he cried all the time.
We've learned a lot about this little boy in the few days he's been with us. Like he is a rock star sleeper, naps and bedtime. He doesn't cry all the time. He is super stubborn. He loves to eat. He also loves to whine. And overall, he's pretty cute.
I'm still learning about myself. Like even though we have a small, mild-mannered child, I'm still not all that quite sure that I'd like to be a parent. Still a lot of self-discovery that needs to be had.
We had started getting emails from our resource family consultant (RFC) about children that had come into care that needed a home. She was sending these emails to all empty, licensed, foster homes, whether they were on hold or not. DCFS is in desperate need of homes right now. Each email that we had gotten was overwhelming. Young sibling groups with behavioral problems. Our last placement really taught me my own personal limits as a foster parent, so accepting sibling groups was definitely not something I was open to. But because of the desperate need that we knew that DCFS was in, we had told our RFC that if they were absolutely desperate and couldn't find a home, they could let us know if a child that fits our profile came into the system and then we could have a discussion. But technically, we'd like to remain on hold.
Well because of their dire need, a phone call came not shortly after. At 5:30 pm on Mike's birthday, September 25, we were just leaving The Museum of Ancient Life when Mike received a phone call. They told us a 15 month old child was being pulled from another foster home and that they needed a home for him that night. Happy Birthday Mike! She told us all the information that she knew about the child. Our understanding was that he cries all the time unless he's being held or has a bottle in his mouth. He hates cribs. He hates baths. Mom is working on reunification. Dad is basically a loser being shipped out of state. There is some family in the valley but they haven't returned phone calls. The child has been in the system since mid-September and is being pulled from the other foster home because the constant crying has become an issue with their other child. So with this mild yet terrifying description, on the spot we decided to take him in. We rushed home from the museum to put the car seat in the car. And then found out we wouldn't be getting him until 7:30 pm so we ran out for a quick happy birthday dinner for Mike. But we were both so nervous and terrified that we probably should have just opted for takeout.
At 7:15 pm the caseworker knocked on the door with the sweetest little boy in her arms. These poor kids, I can't imagine what goes through their heads as they get passed around from person to person. And she was right, when she passed him over to me, oh how he screamed. After a few minutes he calmed down and then I passed him to Mike and the screaming started all over again. It seems so surreal when the caseworker leaves. 10 minutes ago I was enjoying my non-parenting life. And just like that, the caseworker comes and leaves and drops off a child in the process. BAM. Full time parent.
After we all calmed down a bit, and ran to the store to pick up some of the necessities, we decided to tackle the bedtime routine. Which we were told he hated. Well that kid loves the bath! And we put him in the crib where he cried for maybe 3 minutes and then slept straight for 11 hours! We found out later that the last foster home was a bit chaotic and they didn't speak English. So no wonder he cried all the time.
We've learned a lot about this little boy in the few days he's been with us. Like he is a rock star sleeper, naps and bedtime. He doesn't cry all the time. He is super stubborn. He loves to eat. He also loves to whine. And overall, he's pretty cute.
I'm still learning about myself. Like even though we have a small, mild-mannered child, I'm still not all that quite sure that I'd like to be a parent. Still a lot of self-discovery that needs to be had.
2.05.2015
I Don't Want To Be Remembered.
They all say, "But they'll remember you".
But that isn't what matters to me.
You see yesterday, we were in for the biggest shock of this foster care experience.
After 9 months of these kids being in our home.
After all the kin saying that they just couldn't take them.
Suddenly, Grandma and Grandpa have decided that they want the kids.
Which is just a joke, if you knew these people.
I've spent the last 9 months teaching them that they actually do need to brush their teeth.
That wiping your bum when you go potty is important.
And that you put the toilet paper in the toilet, not in the garbage can. (It's that third world country mindset, because Grandma and Grandpa aren't American.)
And you wash your hands. Frequently. Including after you use the bathroom.
That you don't curse.
That you should be saving for college.
All things that they have had to learn since being here, because grandma and grandpa have taught them otherwise.
We took kids out of a hopeless situation.
We put them in a hopeful situation.
And now, we send them back to a hopeless situation.
Because apparently that's the kind of future that the state of Utah wants these kids to have.
So Grandma and Grandpa don't speak English.
And the five year old is learning to read.
Who is going to help them with their homework?
So Grandma and Grandpa don't have a car, and can't drive anyway.
I sure hope that the kids never, ever get sick, because no one will be able to take them to the doctor.
Relying on the bus system may be fine for your weekly grocery shopping, but sudden things happen when you have kids and you have to be able to take care of them.
Grandpa is in a walker. He can hardly function as it is.
That was one of the main reason's they wouldn't take the kids from the beginning.
Grandma and Grandpa are too old and Grandma has to take care of Grandpa.
Good luck taking care of three rambunctious children too.
Until they are all 18.
No skipping out early.
Government assistance. Enough said.
I just don't understand.
The only thing that is good about this is the children love their grandparents.
Emotionally, this will be great for them.
What these children don't understand is that because of this decision, they will be completely different people than they could have been.
I'm not the only one that is upset.
Everyone involved in the case that has actual contact with the children thinks this is ridiculous.
The caseworker, the CASA worker, the Guardian Ad Litem.
The committee that made this decision doesn't know these kids.
They don't know the grandparents.
They don't know all the sad and disgusting habits that were created by Grandma and Grandpa and that took months to break.
They don't seem to know that the 5 year old could only count to 4 when she came here.
That she didn't even know what the ABC's were.
How would she when the people around her don't speak English.
And the boys. Oh the boys. They were doing so poorly in school.
They have learned so much and their reading skills have improved tremendously.
It was just funny.
In court yesterday, the Guardian Ad Litem presented this decision to the judge.
Grandma and Grandpa have to move because currently they live in a small 2 bedroom apartment in elderly housing.
Assistance will need to be setup because Grandma and Grandpa will not be able to help the children with their homework because they can't speak English.
They don't have a car, nor can they drive.
All these things the GAL said to the judge, and the judge didn't even blink an eye.
While I'm sitting on my bench screaming on the inside.
HOW DO YOU LISTEN TO THOSE THINGS, AND MORE, AND THINK THAT THIS IS OKAY??
But to put the icing on the cake, the kids requested that Grandma and Grandpa be moved (because you know, state housing and all) so that they can attend the same school and keep their friends.
And the judge ordered that the caseworker at least try.
Hey, I'm a big believer in freedom and stuff, but over my dead body will you be moving to my side of the valley.
Let me remind you that these kids are 11, 9 and 5.
They know where I live. They know how to get to my house.
And you think I'm going to have Grandma and Grandpa and all the other loser relatives and parents knowing where I live too?
We'll move.
Won't even hesitate for a second.
But isn't it ridiculous that my life will have to be uprooted for this idiotic decision?
Our saving grace will be that Grandma and Grandpa will say no.
That will make them farther away from their family.
Which means farther away from their interpreter and their access to a vehicle.
Plus, welfare isn't as prominent on this side of the valley. Which is their livelihood.
So I'm fuming.
If you can't tell.
It doesn't change anything for Mike and I.
We still don't want the kids.
And we still expect them to be moved by March 7th.
But just because I don't want them, doesn't mean that I wanted them to fail.
It doesn't mean that I wanted them to regress.
I still hoped for their future. And now it's gone.
They all say, "But they'll remember you".
I don't want them to remember me.
I want them to remember to wash their hands.
To save for college.
To do their homework.
But that isn't what matters to me.
You see yesterday, we were in for the biggest shock of this foster care experience.
After 9 months of these kids being in our home.
After all the kin saying that they just couldn't take them.
Suddenly, Grandma and Grandpa have decided that they want the kids.
Which is just a joke, if you knew these people.
I've spent the last 9 months teaching them that they actually do need to brush their teeth.
That wiping your bum when you go potty is important.
And that you put the toilet paper in the toilet, not in the garbage can. (It's that third world country mindset, because Grandma and Grandpa aren't American.)
And you wash your hands. Frequently. Including after you use the bathroom.
That you don't curse.
That you should be saving for college.
All things that they have had to learn since being here, because grandma and grandpa have taught them otherwise.
We took kids out of a hopeless situation.
We put them in a hopeful situation.
And now, we send them back to a hopeless situation.
Because apparently that's the kind of future that the state of Utah wants these kids to have.
So Grandma and Grandpa don't speak English.
And the five year old is learning to read.
Who is going to help them with their homework?
So Grandma and Grandpa don't have a car, and can't drive anyway.
I sure hope that the kids never, ever get sick, because no one will be able to take them to the doctor.
Relying on the bus system may be fine for your weekly grocery shopping, but sudden things happen when you have kids and you have to be able to take care of them.
Grandpa is in a walker. He can hardly function as it is.
That was one of the main reason's they wouldn't take the kids from the beginning.
Grandma and Grandpa are too old and Grandma has to take care of Grandpa.
Good luck taking care of three rambunctious children too.
Until they are all 18.
No skipping out early.
Government assistance. Enough said.
I just don't understand.
The only thing that is good about this is the children love their grandparents.
Emotionally, this will be great for them.
What these children don't understand is that because of this decision, they will be completely different people than they could have been.
I'm not the only one that is upset.
Everyone involved in the case that has actual contact with the children thinks this is ridiculous.
The caseworker, the CASA worker, the Guardian Ad Litem.
The committee that made this decision doesn't know these kids.
They don't know the grandparents.
They don't know all the sad and disgusting habits that were created by Grandma and Grandpa and that took months to break.
They don't seem to know that the 5 year old could only count to 4 when she came here.
That she didn't even know what the ABC's were.
How would she when the people around her don't speak English.
And the boys. Oh the boys. They were doing so poorly in school.
They have learned so much and their reading skills have improved tremendously.
It was just funny.
In court yesterday, the Guardian Ad Litem presented this decision to the judge.
Grandma and Grandpa have to move because currently they live in a small 2 bedroom apartment in elderly housing.
Assistance will need to be setup because Grandma and Grandpa will not be able to help the children with their homework because they can't speak English.
They don't have a car, nor can they drive.
All these things the GAL said to the judge, and the judge didn't even blink an eye.
While I'm sitting on my bench screaming on the inside.
HOW DO YOU LISTEN TO THOSE THINGS, AND MORE, AND THINK THAT THIS IS OKAY??
But to put the icing on the cake, the kids requested that Grandma and Grandpa be moved (because you know, state housing and all) so that they can attend the same school and keep their friends.
And the judge ordered that the caseworker at least try.
Hey, I'm a big believer in freedom and stuff, but over my dead body will you be moving to my side of the valley.
Let me remind you that these kids are 11, 9 and 5.
They know where I live. They know how to get to my house.
And you think I'm going to have Grandma and Grandpa and all the other loser relatives and parents knowing where I live too?
We'll move.
Won't even hesitate for a second.
But isn't it ridiculous that my life will have to be uprooted for this idiotic decision?
Our saving grace will be that Grandma and Grandpa will say no.
That will make them farther away from their family.
Which means farther away from their interpreter and their access to a vehicle.
Plus, welfare isn't as prominent on this side of the valley. Which is their livelihood.
So I'm fuming.
If you can't tell.
It doesn't change anything for Mike and I.
We still don't want the kids.
And we still expect them to be moved by March 7th.
But just because I don't want them, doesn't mean that I wanted them to fail.
It doesn't mean that I wanted them to regress.
I still hoped for their future. And now it's gone.
They all say, "But they'll remember you".
I don't want them to remember me.
I want them to remember to wash their hands.
To save for college.
To do their homework.
1.13.2015
Bail
The family that was planning on adopting the kids has decided to bail. Luckily, the kids didn't know that, so there won't be much heartache on their end.
I'm pretty freaking mad though.
Them leaving in January is now not even a possibility. And at this point, I don't even know when to predict that they will go. Which makes no difference because I would be wrong anyway.
Ughhhhh. I'm mad.
I'm pretty freaking mad though.
Them leaving in January is now not even a possibility. And at this point, I don't even know when to predict that they will go. Which makes no difference because I would be wrong anyway.
Ughhhhh. I'm mad.
1.10.2015
Barbie Cars and Early Bed Times
I hate that this has turned into a foster care blog. I love all of you that come and read my pathetic tales of fostering, but this blog, which has been going since 2007, was obviously not intended for just foster care stories. I guess it was intended to be about me. And my life. Which is narcissistic to the extreme. But more for my family to keep up with my happenings and more for me to keep track of my happenings. Posterity and all that. If we get to that point, anyway.
Today was hard. We didn't get visitation this weekend. Not that we tried to. The kids relatives are really just not good people and we figure the kids are better off not seeing them all the time. And it really is about the kids, even if I love my weekends without them. Things really did start off fine, but the amount of whining and complaining and crying in this day just kind of rubbed me the wrong way, and apparently by Saturday night, I lack in sympathy. And patience. So my five year old got to go to bed an hour early. And got a Barbie car taken away. It's just how it goes.
There is a cluster Facebook page that I am a member of for the foster families in my area. For months it seemed like people would post these stories and moments that made me wonder what I was doing wrong. All this love seemed to be flowing between foster parents and their foster children and I'm over here just counting to ten all day long. But finally, some justification came my way when for the past few weeks, story after story of frustration and lack of attachment posted on the cluster page. I'm sure the chaos that the holidays can cause in foster children played a huge part in the things that people were posting. But it was such a breath of fresh air. I have such a hard time reading about foster care success stories. Because my first one, not a success. These kids just aren't mine. And it's like the universe reminds me that every single day. They belong to another family. And I'm sure that the family that adopts them will love them to pieces. And I'm glad. Because they totally deserve it. And oh how I wish things would have been different. I wish that I was adopting my first placement. How sad to take in kids and then send them away. But it's just how it is. And that must be how God intended it. Because I gave this my all. And it didn't work out.
Team meeting on Monday. If the caseworker did her job (hah), then we should be finding out the details of the move.
Today was hard. We didn't get visitation this weekend. Not that we tried to. The kids relatives are really just not good people and we figure the kids are better off not seeing them all the time. And it really is about the kids, even if I love my weekends without them. Things really did start off fine, but the amount of whining and complaining and crying in this day just kind of rubbed me the wrong way, and apparently by Saturday night, I lack in sympathy. And patience. So my five year old got to go to bed an hour early. And got a Barbie car taken away. It's just how it goes.
There is a cluster Facebook page that I am a member of for the foster families in my area. For months it seemed like people would post these stories and moments that made me wonder what I was doing wrong. All this love seemed to be flowing between foster parents and their foster children and I'm over here just counting to ten all day long. But finally, some justification came my way when for the past few weeks, story after story of frustration and lack of attachment posted on the cluster page. I'm sure the chaos that the holidays can cause in foster children played a huge part in the things that people were posting. But it was such a breath of fresh air. I have such a hard time reading about foster care success stories. Because my first one, not a success. These kids just aren't mine. And it's like the universe reminds me that every single day. They belong to another family. And I'm sure that the family that adopts them will love them to pieces. And I'm glad. Because they totally deserve it. And oh how I wish things would have been different. I wish that I was adopting my first placement. How sad to take in kids and then send them away. But it's just how it is. And that must be how God intended it. Because I gave this my all. And it didn't work out.
Team meeting on Monday. If the caseworker did her job (hah), then we should be finding out the details of the move.
12.31.2014
The End of the Year.
We celebrate New Years Eve by putting our 3D television and copy of The Hobbit to good use. The kids are off celebrating at visitation, who knows where, staying up until all hours of the night, I'm sure. My Christmas tree is still harboring presents, with the kids having been at visitation since before the holidays. Wondering if that will be one of our more horrible ideas, letting them stay that long, but I guess we'll find out when they get home, which is who knows when. Really.
Ready for this phase of our foster care experience to be over.
But 2015 will find us continuing on with foster care, as we've decided to give it another go. When our kids leave, we open ourselves up to be foster parents once again. We've decided to only take one child this time and we've discussed only doing 0-12 month olds. According to our caseworker, our kids will be leaving our home sometime in January, which in caseworker speak means before the end of February...probably.
2015 will also find us with a trip to Napa in March, and I'm sure many unplanned happenings, the good and the bad.
To be honest, my forecast of 2015 is rather boring. I see a year of simplicity. I see a year mundane. After the last few years that we've had, a boring year is probably more of what we need. But I already see myself wishing for something more exciting. Telling myself that if I want something more, then I need to get out and chase it, but already realizing my expectations for myself are rather low. I don't know if its the ever-changing life of foster parenting, or my inherited traits, that keep me from following the excitement, but whatever it is, I'm grateful to have another year to play it out.
Happy New Year!
12.12.2014
The Last Days
Today was that kind of day. The kind where everything seemed to be blowing up around me, all while in the comfort of my own home. I even stayed in my pajamas the entire day in an effort to make the day just that much more comfortable. Joke is on me.
The kids are off track, and what is it with the blasted Pokémon cards anyway? I have never hated a toy more. And it's not really even a toy. I did the most fair thing I could do to settle the battle between the two boys yet I still get slammed by the emotions of the middle child. He is my crier. And boy did he cry today.
But really, that's not what put me over the edge.
I know they try their best, but those state workers....
As foster parents, all we really are hoping for is a bit of communication. When something happens in the case, we feel like we should be at the top of the list for people to call. Our caseworker is really good at completely forgetting we are on the call list at all.
We had court this week. From the court hearing, we expected that the kids could be moved anytime from mid-January to the end of February. The CASA worker called today and asked me if I had anymore information about the kids being moved ASAP, because that is what she had been told was happening.
News to me.
The caseworker is back at it. Sharing information with everyone else but me. Apparently, she had spoken too soon, so the kids will not be moved "ASAP". But to me, that's not the point. I had to hear through the grapevine that the kids were going to be moved.
But that's almost not the point either. That long moment between the voicemail from the CASA worker and the text reply from the caseworker, my anxiety was through the roof! Was the moment finally here? The moment of preparing the kids to go to a new home? And suddenly I didn't know if I was to laugh or to cry. Because heaven knows, the kids have tested my limits and with the lack of attachment, we've been nearly excited to have them move on. But then realizing that my little five year old buddy, who the other day asked me if Jesus sleeps, will no longer be following me around, asking me questions just to hear the sound of her own voice; that's going to be hard to get used to.
Yes, we know that these kids will be leaving soon. Very soon. Some days, days like today, not soon enough. But it's weird when suddenly your timetable is thrown off.
What an overly emotional life we foster parents lead.
But really, that's not what put me over the edge.
I know they try their best, but those state workers....
As foster parents, all we really are hoping for is a bit of communication. When something happens in the case, we feel like we should be at the top of the list for people to call. Our caseworker is really good at completely forgetting we are on the call list at all.
We had court this week. From the court hearing, we expected that the kids could be moved anytime from mid-January to the end of February. The CASA worker called today and asked me if I had anymore information about the kids being moved ASAP, because that is what she had been told was happening.
News to me.
The caseworker is back at it. Sharing information with everyone else but me. Apparently, she had spoken too soon, so the kids will not be moved "ASAP". But to me, that's not the point. I had to hear through the grapevine that the kids were going to be moved.
But that's almost not the point either. That long moment between the voicemail from the CASA worker and the text reply from the caseworker, my anxiety was through the roof! Was the moment finally here? The moment of preparing the kids to go to a new home? And suddenly I didn't know if I was to laugh or to cry. Because heaven knows, the kids have tested my limits and with the lack of attachment, we've been nearly excited to have them move on. But then realizing that my little five year old buddy, who the other day asked me if Jesus sleeps, will no longer be following me around, asking me questions just to hear the sound of her own voice; that's going to be hard to get used to.
Yes, we know that these kids will be leaving soon. Very soon. Some days, days like today, not soon enough. But it's weird when suddenly your timetable is thrown off.
What an overly emotional life we foster parents lead.
11.01.2014
Being a Disappointment
A few days ago we hit our six month mark of being foster parents. Half a year has been spent sharing our home with three children that sometimes make me crazy. And sometimes make me cry. And sometimes make me smile. And sometimes make me laugh. My gut from the beginning of this placement was that we would have these kids until the fall. I was sure they'd be gone before Thanksgiving. Especially with the news of them being moved. But from day to day, things change, and we came across a huge hold-up in the case, making it look as if they'll be here at least through the new year. So here we sit with a shift of thinking and a few children Christmas lists.
But after a solid six months, and quite possibly another six more, I reflect on what has been said, and what has been written and how we feel about where we are.
You see, one of the more difficult parts, for me, of being a foster parent is telling people that I am a foster parent. Many people give praise. Many people seem to think that it takes a completely awesome person to be a foster parent. But I've never thought of it that way. To be honest, before we made the decision to become foster parents, I don't know if I'd ever thought about them at all. But now that I am one of them, being thought of as this selfless, amazing person just doesn't seem to fit. I don't feel like that. Because I am not one. How can someone say to your face that they think 'it's just awesome what you are doing', when all you can think about is when it will be over. I'm so uncomfortable with people thinking I'm 'neat' when I feel completely selfish and naïve.
I've never really hidden my feelings on this situation. Obviously. Friends and family always ask how things are going, and I never sugarcoat it. They hear the good and the bad. {Yes, there is good...and if I'd write more often, you'd probably hear more about it.} What I've come to realize is that when you are blatantly honest with people, they begin to see the person you really are. The person you didn't even realize that you were. As I explained, I'm highly uncomfortable being thought of as a saint. Yet, being thought of as a disappointment is a hard pill to swallow.
When we announced to close friends and family that we were taking the leap into foster care, they were all quite supportive and seemed to think that we would make great foster parents and that any child that came into our home would be 'lucky'. While I am so grateful for their support, I am so disappointed that I've disappointed them.
Our thoughts on parenthood in general have changed. We've really put our future family on hold. Do we have a timeline? No. But this is the part that is most disappointing. I've always wanted to be mom. And Mike, a dad. And we've talked, and dreamed and planned our lives around it. And now, we just really don't want to. Truly the only thing in my life that keeps my hope alive is how much in love I am with my five month old niece. That sweet babe makes me want to be pregnant nine months ago! But then....reality...and my face turns all sour and it makes me want to pop 10 birth control pills.
I know we've disappointed people with our current thoughts on parenthood. But truly, I think we've disappointed ourselves the most. Which is the biggest disappointment of all.
10.09.2014
Bad Moods and Court Dates
I wish I could explain away my bad moods. Some reason for being so internally frustrated all the time. All she is doing is watching 'Frozen' while I sit here wasting time on the Internet when I should be planning my lesson for Sunday (which ironically enough is on how to develop Christlike love...).
No reason for me to be in a bad mood based on the context. Yet, I have a constant feeling of irritation. Yes, we know that I have no attachment to these kids, which explains my lack of love for them. But I can't justify my frustration. They want a snack, I'm bugged. I have to sign something for school, I'm bugged. They wake up in the morning, I'm bugged.
Obviously, I'm the worst foster parent. Ever. And immature.
The dumbest part about it is when I can actually get out of myself and enjoy them, we really do have a good time. But it is such a struggle to do that. Everyone that meets them, loves them. I have a sister that tells me all the time that she wants all three of them. I wish I did. I wish it had been different. I just can't force it. I need therapy.
We had court yesterday. The kids were required to be there, which means I also attended. Long story (that I'm not really allowed to talk about) short, the caseworker will begin looking for another home for the children. (This makes it sound like we sent the kids away, which is so not the case. I may not be attached but I would never kick out kids.) Which is what we were assuming would happen. We go on vacation in November, and they are trying to have the kids moved before then to avoid multiple disruptions. I doubt that is realistic, but it absolutely could happen. Weird.
So now we wait. We try to enjoy what time we have left. If we can teach ourselves how to enjoy them. All while secretly gathering their things together in one place so that we don't forget to pack it all up. I say secretly because the kids aren't aware of the details. They don't know that in a short month they could be gone. Foster care really is heartbreaking. (Coming from someone that sometimes wonders if she has a heart.)
8.27.2014
Something Happened Today.
I got a phone call from the caseworker that put all things into perspective. Obviously, without divulging any facts of the case, these kids may be leaving a heck of a lot sooner than was expected. And it kind of made me sad.
Believe me, I was just as shocked as you.
But first let me put my feelings into words. It comes as no surprise to anyone familiar with this blog that I wouldn't mind these kids leaving. My first sadness is for the kids. I am sad that they may just be shipped off somewhere else. That they may be doing this all over again. That it may just be another foster home to add to the list. Because they don't deserve this. No child deserves this kind of crap.
And I'm sad that they have a sucky family.
My third sadness is for myself. I went from being busy with work, to being really busy with work and kids, to being busy with kids. And now it seems I'm headed for nothingness. Which is awkward, and lazy, and wasteful. And I'm not quite sure how I'm going to handle going from wanting to rip my hair out from all the noise, to wanting to rip my hair out from all the quiet.
Another sadness is that I feel like I've put in so much effort in teaching values and morals and goals, just to see it might go to waste. Save for college, save for college! What if wherever they go next, their new role model doesn't much care about saving for college? Or doing homework. Or being home on time. Or washing your hands. I feel like I need to be in on the interview process or something.
Simply put, I didn't realize until today that I generally care for the welfare of these children. Yes, I may not feel like I can make them a part of my family permanently, but I've got my fingers crossed for their future. They are good kids. And they really can do great things, I'm sure of it. I just pray that they can find the support that they need to succeed.
Believe me, I was just as shocked as you.
But first let me put my feelings into words. It comes as no surprise to anyone familiar with this blog that I wouldn't mind these kids leaving. My first sadness is for the kids. I am sad that they may just be shipped off somewhere else. That they may be doing this all over again. That it may just be another foster home to add to the list. Because they don't deserve this. No child deserves this kind of crap.
And I'm sad that they have a sucky family.
My third sadness is for myself. I went from being busy with work, to being really busy with work and kids, to being busy with kids. And now it seems I'm headed for nothingness. Which is awkward, and lazy, and wasteful. And I'm not quite sure how I'm going to handle going from wanting to rip my hair out from all the noise, to wanting to rip my hair out from all the quiet.
Another sadness is that I feel like I've put in so much effort in teaching values and morals and goals, just to see it might go to waste. Save for college, save for college! What if wherever they go next, their new role model doesn't much care about saving for college? Or doing homework. Or being home on time. Or washing your hands. I feel like I need to be in on the interview process or something.
Simply put, I didn't realize until today that I generally care for the welfare of these children. Yes, I may not feel like I can make them a part of my family permanently, but I've got my fingers crossed for their future. They are good kids. And they really can do great things, I'm sure of it. I just pray that they can find the support that they need to succeed.
Finale
After turning in my notice 10 weeks ago, I walked out of the office for the last time. And I was sad. I've never been one for work. You can see past posts here and here and here about how I really feel about a career life. But as I walked out of the best job that I have ever had, I wondered to myself, is this really what I wanted?
I quit my job to be a stay-at-home foster mom. Well if you've been keep up on your reading, then you'll know that this foster mom thing isn't necessarily a dream come true. So quitting my nearly perfect job to become full time at a not so perfect job is, well, much less than perfect. But I didn't really have a choice when working full time just wasn't working for me. (Props to all you moms who work at all, I have no idea how you do it and still take care of a home and kids.)
But I can't help feeling the pressure suddenly lifted. I've been spending so much of my home time working that when I'm at home and not working, I feel guilty. The curse of working from home. But it's impossible to be a full time employee when you can't really go into the office because you have three kids in school (one of which is in half-day Kindergarten) and simply, when your heart just isn't into it.
My biggest fear is what is it that my heart is into these days? Besides my super hot husband of course. I don't want to be at work, yet I seem to not want to be a mother. So I'm not quite sure where my heart is. Or my head for that matter. By the way, it's super fun to be 28 years old and still have no clue what you are doing with your life. *sarcasm*
8.15.2014
Unattached
Nine months ago I was sitting in the required training classes to become a licensed foster parent. I specifically remember sitting in the class on attachment. Our instructor spoke about how so many foster parents are afraid to become attached, because they know that one day, their foster children may leave them. In turn, leaving them with a broken heart. But we were reminded, once again, that opening ourselves up to these children will be what is best for them. If you become attached to your foster kids, you will be able to provide a love for them that is necessary for proper development. Attach, attach, attach! is what she was saying.
And I remember sitting there thinking to myself, of course I will become attached! It would be nearly impossible for me to not be able to become attached! I love children! And the thoughts went on and on. And yes, I really truly did believe every single one of them.
Well, it didn't happen.
And these kids! Oh these kids. They can be particularly adorable and entertaining. And truly, for being in the foster care system, they do extremely well. They misbehave as most kids do, but not at the level which many foster children do.
There is a cluster page on Facebook that I am a part of that is for local foster families. And I have seen countless posts about how much love they have for their foster kids. Like when they do overnights with biological parents how sad they are and how much they miss their foster child! Or how their foster child is going to be reunified with their biological family and how they are heart broken. And I don't discount any of their emotions. But I just don't have those feelings. Like this weekend when the weekend visitation that the kids normally have with relatives was canceled. That's when I wanted to cry.
My mom says to me all the time, don't you think the kids can sense that your not attached to them?
I hope not. I really hope not. And Mike and I really do try to hide that fact.
But what I learned is that attachment cannot be forced. Just because I have a love for children in general, does not mean that every child that comes into my home will be the recipient of that love. And it makes me sound awful and cold-hearted, but love cannot be forced. I tried. I really did. But I am just not attached to these kids.
And one day, if parental rights were ever terminated and these children were placed for adoption, I would not be able to adopt them. That alone is heart-breaking. But I don't think it would be hard at all to find a family that would be better suited for them. Because they really are good kids.
I have never, in all my foster care blog reading, come across posts quite like mine. Most foster parents love foster care and would go to the ends of the earth for their foster children. But I can't lie. And I promised I would share my experience. And not all days are bad. But most days I go to bed exhausted with tears in my eyes asking myself what in the world I was thinking.
And I remember sitting there thinking to myself, of course I will become attached! It would be nearly impossible for me to not be able to become attached! I love children! And the thoughts went on and on. And yes, I really truly did believe every single one of them.
Well, it didn't happen.
And these kids! Oh these kids. They can be particularly adorable and entertaining. And truly, for being in the foster care system, they do extremely well. They misbehave as most kids do, but not at the level which many foster children do.
There is a cluster page on Facebook that I am a part of that is for local foster families. And I have seen countless posts about how much love they have for their foster kids. Like when they do overnights with biological parents how sad they are and how much they miss their foster child! Or how their foster child is going to be reunified with their biological family and how they are heart broken. And I don't discount any of their emotions. But I just don't have those feelings. Like this weekend when the weekend visitation that the kids normally have with relatives was canceled. That's when I wanted to cry.
My mom says to me all the time, don't you think the kids can sense that your not attached to them?
I hope not. I really hope not. And Mike and I really do try to hide that fact.
But what I learned is that attachment cannot be forced. Just because I have a love for children in general, does not mean that every child that comes into my home will be the recipient of that love. And it makes me sound awful and cold-hearted, but love cannot be forced. I tried. I really did. But I am just not attached to these kids.
And one day, if parental rights were ever terminated and these children were placed for adoption, I would not be able to adopt them. That alone is heart-breaking. But I don't think it would be hard at all to find a family that would be better suited for them. Because they really are good kids.
I have never, in all my foster care blog reading, come across posts quite like mine. Most foster parents love foster care and would go to the ends of the earth for their foster children. But I can't lie. And I promised I would share my experience. And not all days are bad. But most days I go to bed exhausted with tears in my eyes asking myself what in the world I was thinking.
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