I wish I could explain away my bad moods. Some reason for being so internally frustrated all the time. All she is doing is watching 'Frozen' while I sit here wasting time on the Internet when I should be planning my lesson for Sunday (which ironically enough is on how to develop Christlike love...).
No reason for me to be in a bad mood based on the context. Yet, I have a constant feeling of irritation. Yes, we know that I have no attachment to these kids, which explains my lack of love for them. But I can't justify my frustration. They want a snack, I'm bugged. I have to sign something for school, I'm bugged. They wake up in the morning, I'm bugged.
Obviously, I'm the worst foster parent. Ever. And immature.
The dumbest part about it is when I can actually get out of myself and enjoy them, we really do have a good time. But it is such a struggle to do that. Everyone that meets them, loves them. I have a sister that tells me all the time that she wants all three of them. I wish I did. I wish it had been different. I just can't force it. I need therapy.
We had court yesterday. The kids were required to be there, which means I also attended. Long story (that I'm not really allowed to talk about) short, the caseworker will begin looking for another home for the children. (This makes it sound like we sent the kids away, which is so not the case. I may not be attached but I would never kick out kids.) Which is what we were assuming would happen. We go on vacation in November, and they are trying to have the kids moved before then to avoid multiple disruptions. I doubt that is realistic, but it absolutely could happen. Weird.
So now we wait. We try to enjoy what time we have left. If we can teach ourselves how to enjoy them. All while secretly gathering their things together in one place so that we don't forget to pack it all up. I say secretly because the kids aren't aware of the details. They don't know that in a short month they could be gone. Foster care really is heartbreaking. (Coming from someone that sometimes wonders if she has a heart.)
